Derby, Connecticut (WRT) – Professors of Philosophy and Animal Psychology collaborated on a controversial experiment this morning. Barkers the Labrador Retriever is feeling overwhelmed with existential terror as the reality of his bleak and famishing existence dawns on his small dog brain. Barkers, who is two years old, spent much of his life completing small tasks and going to the bathroom outside. After taking a cold, hard glimpse at the cosmic horror that is his meaningless and ephemeral dog life, Barkers went inside his doghouse and has not come out.
“We’ve tried reading him The Myth of Dog Sisyphus, and even attempted to explain to him the Eternal Dog Return, but nothing has been able to lift his spirits,” explained chief Dog Philosopher Robert Nguyen.
“There is nothing,” Barkers barked, “nothing that will save us from our monotony. Nothing will break us from this bleak world. We will go on repeating our dull and dreary activities– fetching, sitting, speaking, being a good boy– until the icy hand of the Grim Reaper delivers us from this pathetic mortal coil and rescues us to a comfortable emptiness.” Barkers then proceeded to pretend to throw a ball for himself to catch. “This is a metaphor,” he wagged.