“They say we need to switch to green technology, but come on, this is just too much. Nobody is expected to deal with something like this” Joseph Newsom, a district alderman complained. “Normal street lights are just fine, everybody knows exactly where they are, and tax payer dollars shouldn’t be going to fund some science-post people are bound to run into.”

“Look at the facts, statistically somebody is going to walk into these, green energy is not the answer. We need to keep using traditional street lamps.”

The post This Solar Powered Street Light Can Also Be In Your Way first appeared on World Report Today.

“This is what I mean about protester violence” Trump said after having his head blown off by a railgun for the 37th time in a row. “I’m in a insurmountable amount of pain and I really cannot fully describe to you the extent of how much this hurts- and do you know why this hurts? It’s because people don’t think, they just do whatever they want, they’re stupid, they cause infinite time paradoxes, they really should just get another job.”

“I can tell you for sure that guy would never work for me, never.”

After 12 hours of the infinite time loop, Trump followed up with plans to make sure immigration from the future would be stopped forever. His campaign has released a proposal for a 85 quadrillion dollar 4D border fence that would stretch from the center of the third dimension to New Mexico.

UPDATE 5:13 PM 3/30/16 – The event has been deemed an isolated event of “Temporal Trumpicide” after a tribunal of international physicists met to analyze the occurrence. There are plans to take data on site as soon as next week to better explain the Trumpadox.

The post Donald Trump Stuck in Endless Cycle of Being Assassinated and Resuscitated By Time Traveler first appeared on World Report Today.

“We ran lab tests on the organic bananas and the traditional, non-organic bananas. The results were something we should have expected.” team leader David Koffman said to reporters in front of a lab full of thousands of dollars worth of bananas. “Organic bananas and regular bananas are for sure, undoubtedly, bananas.”

“Essentially if you’re buying organic bananas, you’re paying a dollar extra for bananas, and I’m a f****** idiot for wasting lab time on this.”

The post Study: Researchers Find “Strong Evidence” Non-Organic Bananas At Store Are Bananas first appeared on World Report Today.

“This is so embarrassing,” Musk commented, “All I wanted to do was help people, and now the whole planet, and maybe even aliens, are going to see my little dingaling. I really wish I’d never become an altruistic intrepid scientist right about now.”

The post Totally Embarrassing: Elon Musk Accidentally Launches Nude Photo Into Space first appeared on World Report Today.

“We… we really just don’t know how we’re going to break this one to Neptune” said Jim Green, NASA’s director of planetary science. “We were so excited to discover this explanation for the motion of known bodies in the Kuiper Belt that were being affected by the movement of this massive object. We just weren’t prepared for the massive emotional trauma this potentially risks for Neptune.”

NASA’s planetary science lab was in a silence throughout Wednesday afternoon as they tried to determine how Neptune would react. “Neptune hasn’t seen his father in hundreds of millions of years, he might not care.” one scientist suggested. “Neptune’s dad leaving absolutely had effects in Neptune’s formation, there’s no way there aren’t lasting scars.” another rebutted.

At press time, nobody could agree on who would break the news to Neptune.

The post NASA Discovers Planet 9, Actually Just Neptune’s Dead Beat Dad first appeared on World Report Today.

Is this the new Galaxy S7?

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What about this?

Is this the hottest release of 2016?

The Galaxy S7 is so mysterious, I’m not even sure what it is. It could be anything, or anyone. Is the new Galaxy S7 this?

This picture of Charles Barkley? Is this going to be the Galaxy S7?

Is this what a cell phone is? Is this what people think is cool?

This is a handsome looking cell phone. Pre-order one before they run out.

The post Could This be the New Samsung Galaxy? first appeared on World Report Today.

My Diving Spot, Earth (WRT) – Contrary to popular belief that male puffer fish create these sand circles in a mating ritual, actually I myself dive down and cut these geometric structures from the sand using nothing but a small plastic shovel.

The small plastic shovel can be easily obtained from any surf shop. My favorite of which is called the Beach Bizarre. So no, male puffer fish do not utilize their bodies to make notches and valleys in a geometric circle on the sea floor, that is absurd and quite frankly insulting to my very unique craft.

Puffer fish are merely fish, they have no real skills, and are not all that unique to other fish. Despite this, I must give credit to the male puffer fish who took the photo of me taking a photo of my sand circle.

The post Who Is Making These Mysterious Sand Circles On The Ocean Floor? I Am. first appeared on World Report Today.

Once the news broke and it was clear the satellite wasn’t used for “weather tracking, mapping natural resources, and forest distribution” as originally claimed by Pyongyang, Pyongyang released a new statement claiming the Supreme Leader had observed the Super Bowl.

“The Supreme Leader takes pity in such American entertainment, the ‘Broncos’ deserve no glory for throwing an incorrectly shaped ball” the statement said. Pyongyang also indicated that it was excited to eventually “log the recorded footage” after Kwangmyongsong Three could retrieve the satellite.

At press time, Kwangmyongsong Three appears to be a slightly newer digital camera.

The post NORAD: Defense Agency Says North Korean Satellite Flew Over Super Bowl, Literally Was a Digital Camera first appeared on World Report Today.

Seoul, South Korea (WRT) – Without announcement this afternoon Samsung released information about their next model of Galaxy phone, promising in a press release that this would be “the edgiest one yet”.

The new phone, which looks exactly like a Galaxy S6 Edge, and is made out of what appears to be a Galaxy S6 Edge, introduces the future of aesthetic phone design. The flagship upgrade being a set of sunglasses the phone appears to be wearing.

“The sunglasses introduce an increased edge factor to the Galaxy’s specs” the press release stated. “Keeping up with new technology is easy, what’s hard is to achieve something that is appealing culturally to everyone.”

Such a radical change in design may be in response to a series of lawsuits between Samsung and Apple. Apple who owns the patent on “Cool Looking Technology” has continuously been fighting Samsung for offering similar cool looking technology. Samsung has argued back that their company only sells “Very Cool Looking Technology”, and that their latest flagship phone model is evidence of this.

At press time, there is no indication whether or not the Samsung S7 Edge’s sunglasses would be offered in white.

The post Samsung Reveals Galaxy S7 Edge, Actually Just Galaxy S6 Wearing Sunglasses first appeared on World Report Today.