“A 15 dollar an hour minimum wage is the only logical idea for this year” Clinton stated.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders smiling profusely to a roaring applause.

“The current federal minimum wage is a starvation wage. It’s got to be raised to a living wage” Clinton continued.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders, accompanied once more by a roaring applause.

The post Bernie Sanders In Agreeable Debate With Hillary Clinton from the Year 2020 first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

“I always try to be an advocate for Hillary where it counts the most, but this Super Tuesday was different, I genuinely had a good time talking with those concerned with making democracy better through their right to vote. This allowed me time to exercise my right to mingle without talking about my wife” the former President said despite probably being an expert in that specific subject.

“We’d have a real electioneering problem if I would have broke out my saxophone. Hillary would have lost Massachusetts to me” President Clinton joked to a silent news room.

Unaware that more than 68,000 people had signed a petition online calling for action to be taken against the former President for violating Massachusetts state election law, President Clinton said “Let’s be realistic, what are they gonna do, throw me in jail for talking to some people?” It was clear to reporters at the scene President Clinton was deliberately being a dick about what he was up to on Super Tuesday.

At press time, another petition with 300 million signatures declared this event an indisputable example of a dick move.

The post “I Did Not Have Relations With That Election” Bill Clinton Says Making Fun of Self first appeared on World Report Today.

“I thank you all for the ongoing, very important, and totally not redundant support we saw here on Super Tuesday” Clinton said to a raucous applause. “We know we’ve got work to do, I’ve got work to do, and I’m positive that your vote still somehow matters” Clinton said to the ecstatic crowd as she tried not to make her supporters feel completely worthless as they will probably end up being in states such as Georgia, Alabama, and Texas.

“Going forward, we need to remember to get everyone we can to vote… everyone we can. We need to ask even our family, friends, and co-workers in other states to vote. States like California, New York, Washington, Wisconsin, Maine, and many other preferably Midwest and North Eastern states.”

At press time, Bernie Sanders reinforced strong support in historically democratic states while CNN released another report about the inevitability of Hillary Clinton.

—-

Update: 8:31 am EST – It has come to our attention that readers have pointed out that Massachusetts is not inherently inside the number of commonly Republican states in general elections, in our defense, Bill Clinton is not usually inside Massachusetts. Our sources confirmed Wednesday that President Bill Clinton showed no restraint in taking full advantage of a state that was reportedly feeling “vulnerable” last night.

The post Hillary Clinton Wins Primary Only In Republican States In General Election first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton is realistic, she’s someone who knows how to actually get things done compared to Bernie Sander’s wishful thinking, and what those moron Republicans think.” said Sam on his way to voting in the Texas Democratic Primary on Super Tuesday. “Sanders just doesn’t come off as credible, after all, he’s a socialist.”

“We need somebody who’s experienced in the White House, somebody who has actually been in the White House before. I also think it’s time for a woman to be President, don’t you think?”

At press time, Sam was sure to get his whole family on board with the idea of voting for Hillary Clinton in November.

The post “Hillary Clinton is Realistic Choice” Says Father Who Did Absolutely No Political Research first appeared on World Report Today.

“She is clearly the momentum candidate heading into Super Tuesday judging by this amazing landslide victory” said one source. “We can deduce that from this single victory, Clinton has everything she needs to take the nomination- there is no doubt about it.”

“This has redefined the democratic race for the White House, there’s little chance that Bernie Sanders could ever be successful in the 46 other states.” another insider told WRT.

At press time, President Barack Obama and his family were seen packing their belongings in the White House early to make way for President Hillary Clinton who’s moving in next week. President Obama clarified to thank CNN for such up to date reporting, otherwise he never would have known Hillary Clinton would be the next President.

The post Clinton Wins Nomination After South Carolina Apparently Representative Of Whole Nation first appeared on World Report Today.

Willie Wilson who hasn’t had enough support throughout the primary process to even be invited to democratic debates, and only now has gotten on the ballot in South Carolina just days prior to the vote, apparently is still not drawing the eye of supporters in the face of Wonka’s campaign now eclipsing his own. Wilson, who is supportive of canceling outstanding student loan debt and focusing on education initiatives, just wasn’t likable enough for democrats compared to Wonka’s promise of Universal Candy.

Willy Wonka over the last few weeks has outlined his plans for a single payer candy system, where all Americans are able to subsidize their own sweets. Many also say that Wonka comes off as a “capable leader” compared to Wilson, mostly due to his much tighter foreign policy where America’s enemies would be forced to survive and eventually win Wonka’s candy factory in order to prove their ethical worth as a new ally.

Wonka himself might be doing better if it wasn’t for his extensive ties to major candy corporations and the milk-chocolate industrial complex.

The post Willie Wilson Behind Willy Wonka By 0.5% In South Carolina Primary first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton represents people just like you, I mean, come on, like she supports raising the minimum wage to 10 dollars an hour” he said with sweat coming off his brow. “Sanders is dividing the democratic party, do you really think-do you really think [SIC] thats? ..a good idea?”

The millennial noticing a man wearing a dark suit on the other side of the room having turned around frantically started jiggling his hand, cuffed to the underside of the table in an unsuccessful attempt to escape. After the dark suit wearing man quickly turned back the millennial froze and continued “I mean do you really think- DO YOU REALLY THINK you can just go against the establishment??”

Laughing nervously while smirking he continued “[SIC] Ha ha, hahaha, I’m-m just kidding around, t-the establishment is just some m-made up Sanders fact.”

The post Millennial Poll Officer Telling You To Vote For Hillary Clinton Seemingly Chained To Table first appeared on World Report Today.

“I absolutely disagree that we should be incurring more debt through tuition free community colleges, that’s just too far- it’d never be something we could realistically get passed” said Clinton from 2008. “Look, I’m also realistic on the issues, and I like to get things done. Since I have the EXPERIENCE on the matter, this would benefit the middle class, as would raising the social security tax cap” said Clinton from 2016.

“Absolutely not, if we were to raise the earnings subject to the social security tax, the tax increase would hit middle-class earners directly. I put fiscal responsibility first” reputed Clinton from 2008. “We need reasonable taxes that work with states with their specific situations. Just like how states should maintain many other things, such as their jurisdiction over marriage. I personally believe in what marriage currently is, as do the majority of Americans. But the states should have the final say rather than the federal level getting involved” continued Clinton from 2008.

“That issue is entirely different, because it is a debate of equality which the federal government enforces under the Constitution” a visibly flustered Clinton from 2016 responded with.

At press time, Hillary Clinton from 1998 waited her turn to make a statement in the ongoing argument.

The post Hillary Clinton From 2016 in Fierce Debate With Hillary Clinton From 2008 Before NH Primary first appeared on World Report Today.