Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters shut down a Donald Trump rally last week, it has been pointed out by political pundits and even Trump himself that these protesters denied Donald Trump the right to free speech, something they also were practicing by protesting.

“I really cannot believe that these protesters would stop the thing they were protesting, it’s just hypocritical” said Trump’s rapid response director. “If I was protesting someone for their hate speech and successfully got them to stop doing it? That’s completely counter intuitive for myself and this election.”

“It’d be better if protesters would just go home for now on to make sure that they’re not taking away the first amendment right to the very thing they’re protesting because of that thing abusing it’s first amendment right. It’s unfair, and makes those protesters as bad as anybody can be.”

The post Outrageous: Protesters Infringe Free Speech of Thing They’re Protesting Due To Speech first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

“Electronic voting over the Internet would lead to fraud. It’s safer to count each and every ballot individually either by hand or with the supervised voting machines we have some places now” Mark Brahan stated although earlier this afternoon he sent his social security number via Facebook messenger to his mom. “Voting over the Internet is non-representational data that can be easily manipulated” he continued not having gone to the post office in nearly three months because email messaging has been more efficient and reliable.

“We have to insure that our elections are fair and balanced for both sides.”

At press time, Brahan could be seen going home to where he would pay all of his bills online.

The post “Online Voting Would Cause Fraud” Says Guy Who Finds Email More Reliable first appeared on World Report Today.

“I think nobody said anything because we were all mostly just really concerned about his arms” explained one 69 year old Orlando native. “Not once did he put down his arms the whole time he was asleep, it was like watching the moon landing.”

“The suspense was killing everybody, we just really wanted to see when he would drop to the floor, and then just nothin’. His arms just stayed there like gravity wasn’t even a thing” said another concerned audience member.

We reached out to Carson’s campaign to better understand what happened tonight, a spokesman for Carson explained that Ben was already in bed, and he wouldn’t know until late Saturday afternoon.

The post Ben Carson Asleep Whole Time While Announcing Suspension of Campaign first appeared on World Report Today.

New York, NY (WRT) – In a follow up to Donald Trump’s last Thursday night GOP debate statement that “the wall just got ten feet taller”, Donald Trump has released part of the blueprint for the updated wall plan featuring the added height for Mexico’s President to look over.

“What do you think of this, ya dick?” Donald Trump stated to the press Tuesday afternoon in a Kindergarten class, where he had drew the blueprint himself with the help of another more artistically inclined child. “Even these kids can figure this out, these are kids, they’re not smart, they’re very stupid. But I can tell you that they’ll work harder than you could ever imagine building the wall you’re going to give us the money for.”

“The only dumber people than these children is the government of Mexico, and Mexican children who come here and flood our classrooms and can’t even speak English.”

At press time, we couldn’t even believe this shit.

The post Donald Trump’s Wall Just Got 10 Feet Dumber first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton is realistic, she’s someone who knows how to actually get things done compared to Bernie Sander’s wishful thinking, and what those moron Republicans think.” said Sam on his way to voting in the Texas Democratic Primary on Super Tuesday. “Sanders just doesn’t come off as credible, after all, he’s a socialist.”

“We need somebody who’s experienced in the White House, somebody who has actually been in the White House before. I also think it’s time for a woman to be President, don’t you think?”

At press time, Sam was sure to get his whole family on board with the idea of voting for Hillary Clinton in November.

The post “Hillary Clinton is Realistic Choice” Says Father Who Did Absolutely No Political Research first appeared on World Report Today.

“She is clearly the momentum candidate heading into Super Tuesday judging by this amazing landslide victory” said one source. “We can deduce that from this single victory, Clinton has everything she needs to take the nomination- there is no doubt about it.”

“This has redefined the democratic race for the White House, there’s little chance that Bernie Sanders could ever be successful in the 46 other states.” another insider told WRT.

At press time, President Barack Obama and his family were seen packing their belongings in the White House early to make way for President Hillary Clinton who’s moving in next week. President Obama clarified to thank CNN for such up to date reporting, otherwise he never would have known Hillary Clinton would be the next President.

The post Clinton Wins Nomination After South Carolina Apparently Representative Of Whole Nation first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: Which Republican Candidate Will Drop Out Next? first appeared on World Report Today.

“I only want to hear the results in the clearest format available, it would have ruined the experience completely otherwise.” Sanders said to a group of reporters in a basement at a friend’s house of his. “This was absolutely worth it, and it’s clear to me- it should be clear to everybody, that election results are not about Bernie Sanders… election results are about pristine audio quality”

At press time, the Vermont Senator could be seen in an anti-establishment discussion with his friends “who understand the real problems the United States faces today.”

The post Bernie Sanders Finally Hears New Hampshire Results After Waiting For Vinyl Release first appeared on World Report Today.