Washington, DC (WRT) – It was 3:28 PM on a Thursday afternoon when Obama was found sitting in complete darkness within the walls of the oval office. A thick smell of cigarette butts layered the room in a fowl stench. The couches and his desk had been replaced with fold out tables, and what appeared to be multiple saw horses supporting large wood panels- all surfaces were covered with various kinds of weapons and ammunition. The President’s chair had been replaced with a lounger.

“I’m seven years too late, I’m finally gonna do it” Obama said smoking a large cigar. “I only have 11 months now. Santa Claus has more free time than me.” he said as he polished a .357 magnum. “Did you know that 35% of households have firearms? I have to be ready to face great adversity.” Obama said as he reached for a sawed off shotgun to load.

“Cleveland Bundy was right all along, too bad no one would listen.”

At press time, Obama could be seen loading hollow point rounds into each of his 50 pieces- one gun for each star on the flag.