1. No Socialist Country Has Ever Succeeded

Despite claims to love both “democracy” and “socialism” Bernie and his millennial, anarchist, Bernie Bros are completely unaware that socialism has never been successfully implemented in any nation in the world. Ever wonder why? Because, like a candle in the rain, this political and economic model is absolutely doomed from the start; if it weren’t, there would be one livable socialist nation on the earth, and this beautiful country has fought tooth and nail to make sure that something like that does not happen. 

2. Socialism is an Economic System That Requires You Own a Beehive

I bet you thought that you could get by the rest of your life not owning a beehive, but guess what: the bees are dying. Under socialism, you have to be responsible for making sure that doesn’t happen. I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of wearing one of those big, weird beekeeping suits and playing Tchaikovsky for your bees so they fuck better or whatever, because now there’s a big beehive in your back yard and you have to keep it alive. If you fail to keep your bees alive, Bernie Sanders will make you tend hornets, which are way worse. 

3. Bernie Sanders has been Dead for 30 Years

Sorry “broscialists” but your candidate is a ghost. Ever heard of a little something called habeas corpus? You cannot be elected if you do not have a body.

4. If a Socialist Bites You, You Become a Socialist

A socialist bites you right on the neck. What happens next? First, the bleeding. You’ll lose a lot of blood. Then you’ll start to worry about infection, because you have no idea where that socialists mouth has been! Then the transformation starts to take affect, and you’ll be demanding to see a doctor or be escorted to a hospital. I’m sure you’ll drive there on a road (which is your first mistake, roads are just the bridges to socialism), and then you’ll have to have your bite treated by professionals, which costs money. At this point, you’ll be a full socialist, complaining that you had to pay any amount of money to fix this life-or-death medical issue. Welcome to socialism, Stalin.

5. You’re Gonna be Lactose Intolerant Now

Sorry, I don’t make the rules.