Despite claims to love both “democracy” and “socialism” Bernie and his millennial, anarchist, Bernie Bros are completely unaware that socialism has never been successfully implemented in any nation in the world. Ever wonder why? Because, like a candle in the rain, this political and economic model is absolutely doomed from the start; if it weren’t, there would be one livable socialist nation on the earth, and this beautiful country has fought tooth and nail to make sure that something like that does not happen. 

2. Socialism is an Economic System That Requires You Own a Beehive

I bet you thought that you could get by the rest of your life not owning a beehive, but guess what: the bees are dying. Under socialism, you have to be responsible for making sure that doesn’t happen. I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of wearing one of those big, weird beekeeping suits and playing Tchaikovsky for your bees so they fuck better or whatever, because now there’s a big beehive in your back yard and you have to keep it alive. If you fail to keep your bees alive, Bernie Sanders will make you tend hornets, which are way worse. 

3. Bernie Sanders has been Dead for 30 Years

Sorry “broscialists” but your candidate is a ghost. Ever heard of a little something called habeas corpus? You cannot be elected if you do not have a body.

4. If a Socialist Bites You, You Become a Socialist

A socialist bites you right on the neck. What happens next? First, the bleeding. You’ll lose a lot of blood. Then you’ll start to worry about infection, because you have no idea where that socialists mouth has been! Then the transformation starts to take affect, and you’ll be demanding to see a doctor or be escorted to a hospital. I’m sure you’ll drive there on a road (which is your first mistake, roads are just the bridges to socialism), and then you’ll have to have your bite treated by professionals, which costs money. At this point, you’ll be a full socialist, complaining that you had to pay any amount of money to fix this life-or-death medical issue. Welcome to socialism, Stalin.

5. You’re Gonna be Lactose Intolerant Now

Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

The post 5 Things about Socialism that Bernie Doesn’t Want you to Know About first appeared on World Report Today.

“A 15 dollar an hour minimum wage is the only logical idea for this year” Clinton stated.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders smiling profusely to a roaring applause.

“The current federal minimum wage is a starvation wage. It’s got to be raised to a living wage” Clinton continued.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders, accompanied once more by a roaring applause.

The post Bernie Sanders In Agreeable Debate With Hillary Clinton from the Year 2020 first appeared on World Report Today.

“This is what I mean about protester violence” Trump said after having his head blown off by a railgun for the 37th time in a row. “I’m in a insurmountable amount of pain and I really cannot fully describe to you the extent of how much this hurts- and do you know why this hurts? It’s because people don’t think, they just do whatever they want, they’re stupid, they cause infinite time paradoxes, they really should just get another job.”

“I can tell you for sure that guy would never work for me, never.”

After 12 hours of the infinite time loop, Trump followed up with plans to make sure immigration from the future would be stopped forever. His campaign has released a proposal for a 85 quadrillion dollar 4D border fence that would stretch from the center of the third dimension to New Mexico.

UPDATE 5:13 PM 3/30/16 – The event has been deemed an isolated event of “Temporal Trumpicide” after a tribunal of international physicists met to analyze the occurrence. There are plans to take data on site as soon as next week to better explain the Trumpadox.

The post Donald Trump Stuck in Endless Cycle of Being Assassinated and Resuscitated By Time Traveler first appeared on World Report Today.

The candidate was in town for a fundraiser when airport officials had to spend the entire afternoon attempting the calm the 757 down after the unexpected interaction. The 757 was seen flaring its own tail wing and driving backward in a sideways pattern (attempting to look larger) to the safety of a nearby hanger after sighting the President’s plane.

Crews trying to lure the 757 out with jet fuel and other treats resulted in a simple mean stare from the plane itself, sparking a standoff that lasted hours.

The 757 didn’t warm up to airport crews until the plane itself felt lonely enough to seek attention. The airport has recommended that in the future the two planes shouldn’t be put in the same airport with one another.

The post Trump’s 757 Spooked by Larger Air Force One first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters shut down a Donald Trump rally last week, it has been pointed out by political pundits and even Trump himself that these protesters denied Donald Trump the right to free speech, something they also were practicing by protesting.

“I really cannot believe that these protesters would stop the thing they were protesting, it’s just hypocritical” said Trump’s rapid response director. “If I was protesting someone for their hate speech and successfully got them to stop doing it? That’s completely counter intuitive for myself and this election.”

“It’d be better if protesters would just go home for now on to make sure that they’re not taking away the first amendment right to the very thing they’re protesting because of that thing abusing it’s first amendment right. It’s unfair, and makes those protesters as bad as anybody can be.”

The post Outrageous: Protesters Infringe Free Speech of Thing They’re Protesting Due To Speech first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

“I have never, ever, condoned violence at my rallies. My supporters are passionate. I’m just as passionate. They care about their first amendment rights.” Trump explained.

“These protesters are trying to make sure I can’t even speak, and they say they’re for the constitution! I’ll tell you what, now I’d actually cause real violence for my first amendment right, you better believe it if you’re blocking my way up to this podium, there’s going to be hell to pay.” Trump said while blood started dripping out of one of his sleeves.

“I’d fight for my first amendment right, I’d even brawl for my first amendment right. I’d punch them in the face until their forehead started bleeding all over my suit, that I think I’ll sue them for too, because this is just ridiculous, it’s everywhere.”

“How did it even get inside my jacket, unbelievable.”

The post Donald Trump Defends Non-Violent Record Covered In Protester’s Blood first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

“Electronic voting over the Internet would lead to fraud. It’s safer to count each and every ballot individually either by hand or with the supervised voting machines we have some places now” Mark Brahan stated although earlier this afternoon he sent his social security number via Facebook messenger to his mom. “Voting over the Internet is non-representational data that can be easily manipulated” he continued not having gone to the post office in nearly three months because email messaging has been more efficient and reliable.

“We have to insure that our elections are fair and balanced for both sides.”

At press time, Brahan could be seen going home to where he would pay all of his bills online.

The post “Online Voting Would Cause Fraud” Says Guy Who Finds Email More Reliable first appeared on World Report Today.

“I think nobody said anything because we were all mostly just really concerned about his arms” explained one 69 year old Orlando native. “Not once did he put down his arms the whole time he was asleep, it was like watching the moon landing.”

“The suspense was killing everybody, we just really wanted to see when he would drop to the floor, and then just nothin’. His arms just stayed there like gravity wasn’t even a thing” said another concerned audience member.

We reached out to Carson’s campaign to better understand what happened tonight, a spokesman for Carson explained that Ben was already in bed, and he wouldn’t know until late Saturday afternoon.

The post Ben Carson Asleep Whole Time While Announcing Suspension of Campaign first appeared on World Report Today.