The party started just over six hours ago after several neighborhood youths released the tapirs from the South Bend Zoo, and the wavy good-time chill-vibes have been bringing in artists of all kinds.

The festival features cutting edge bands like 4 Tapirs Looking for Ants in a Parking Lot at the Old National Bank, who started their set over 5 hours ago and continue playing even now. Many of the festivals attendees have been confused and unprepared for the sudden explosion of culture and music. Some of the more entrepreneurial attendees have been using the festival as a way to sell unique 35 Hungry Tapirs Rummaging Around the Greater South Bend Metropolitan Area merchandise.

“I’ve got everything,” said Woke Lenny, “I’ve got anthill hats, tapir milk, tapir bones, anthill bones, I’ve got the original wire cutters used to break into the zoo, autographed by the founders of this great festival.” Woke Lenny made over nine dollars today and plans on making even more in days to come.

But not everyone is pleased with the way this festival is turning out.

“This music festival has to stop,” said Officer Tad Crowley. “I’ve just been arresting tapir after tapir. I’m not even sure what for. Is there a book on tapir law that somebody can lend to the South Bend police department?” Officer Crowley proceeded to handcuff a tapir to a streetlight.

The post UNBELIEVABLE – Is This the Most Important Music Festival on Earth? first appeared on World Report Today.

Will Smith after viewing Fuller House immediately streamlined production at Overbrook Entertainment to get the new series off the ground- reportedly “as fresh as possible.” Some reports indicate that the reboot has been in the works for some time, Smith declines such allegations stating “Absolutely not, Fuller House reminded me who I am.”

From what we’ve heard, most of the original cast will be in the new series, including a digitally animated model of the late James Avery to keep his character ‘Uncle Phil’ in the show.

The post The Fresh Middle Aged Dad of Bel Air Coming To Netflix June 2016 first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Photo: This Mixtape Is On Fire first appeared on World Report Today.

My child, who is currently gestating in the womb of my lovely wife, would be named Adele, The Singer Of Hits Such As “Hello” And “Rolling In The Deep,” will never have a chance to be successful as long as the English crooner is still pumping out chart topping singles. My wife and I have been asking each other the same question for the last three months: Does Adele need to die so that our unborn son may thrive in our modern society?

Adele The Singer Born on May 5th, 1988 will be blossoming from my wife’s mighty womb in a matter of weeks now, on March 24th, 2016. Still we have yet to determine if the woman stealing our child’s future success (or as my wife calls it, “fuccess”) may be allowed to walk among the earth at the time of our son’s arrival into this mortal plane.

We are mostly worried that Adele, Daughter Of Penny Adkins And Mark Evans will have a hard time getting along with our five year old son, Amy Winehouse, Known For Her Deep Expressive Contralto Vocals, and our dog, Dave.

I guess this all comes back to the advice that my father gave me on the day of my wedding. He told me, “Richard Nixon, 37th President Of These United States, if you ever have a child and decide to name him Adele Who Is Listed At Number Five On VH1′s 100 Greatest Women In Music, make sure you have killed Adele first.”

The post Does Adele Need To Die So That My Unborn Son May Live? first appeared on World Report Today.

I am going to hold my breath for the next 100 days or until there is a Fraiser reboot on Netflix. Is America not ready for a continuation of the adventures of Seattle psychiatrist Frasier Crane, and his neurotic but well-meaning brother, Niles Crane? I am ready, America. You should follow my example and hold your breath or threaten Hollywood with some kind of fire in order to get the reboot that we, as a nation, deserve.

You may be asking yourself several serious questions right about now, like, “What will we call the show?” and “Does anyone want this show?” and, “What is Frasier?” I am happy to answer any questions or concerns you have.

1. What will the show be called?

Frasierer: The Continued Misadventures of the Brothers Crane

2. Who will star in the show?

Kelsey Grammer will play every character, a la Norbit, except for Niles Crane, who will be played by David Hyde Pierce.

3. What will be the premise of the show?

After the death of their father (SPOILERS) Frasier and Niles will be on television again, with their own show, and all of us will watch it and love it.

 4. I am going to hold my breath until this happens.

I am glad you are also going to hold your breath with me. If enough of us hold our breaths, we will not have to worry about there not being a Frasier reboot called Frasierer.

5. One Time I Saw a Picture of Kelsey Grammer Looking at Some Birds, is That Good Enough?

Unless Kelsey Grammer was reprising the role of Frasier Crane for the amusement of the American audience, then your “picture of him looking at some birds,” is a canon of failure and lies and I will not be tricked by you, Devil.

6. Is David Hyde Pierce Alive?

David Hyde Pierce is alive and starred in the 2013 Apocalyptic Action Adventure, David Hyde Snowpiercer. He played the train.

7. Are You Sure This Picture of Kelsey Grammer Looking at Some Birds is Not Good Enough?

What part of Frasierer are you not understanding, here?

8. What about Lilith?

What about Lilith? Get your head out of the clouds! The era of Lilith is over. Welcome to the second coming of Frasier.

If we can get our voices heard, we can move on to bigger projects! Like the Fresh Middle Aged Dad of Bel-Air, or Cheers 2: Norm’s Last Stand.

The post I Am Going to Hold My Breath Until Frasier Also Gets a Netflix Reboot and They Call it Frasierer first appeared on World Report Today.

“…I thought this was movie night with Oscar, I didn’t.. I didn’t realize that this was the Oscars.” said a baffled Vice President to a crowd of confused stars. “I’m starting to think that this Oscar fellow I keep hearing about isn’t even a real guy, I mean, what the actual hell, right?” the Vice President stated as the venue grew silent.

“I’ve been so busy advocating for abused women and men I just wanted a nice night out, and I mean, we can and will change the culture so no abused woman or man will think they did anything wrong. But is some free time for Joe too much to ask?”

Joe Biden was seen walking awkwardly around the stage for a few minutes until Chris Rock attempted to point the Vice President in the right direction.

The post “This isn’t movie night with Oscar, this is the Oscars” Says Extremely Disappointed Joe Biden On Oscar Stage first appeared on World Report Today.

Previous theories about which god, or what kind of god Kanye West might be, were struck down late last night during a series of tweets where West stated “i am actual god, the trials of my life are just #Inspiration #Yeezus”

Kanye West’s series of tweets, or now known as The Commandments, will be etched into government monuments across the nation in response to his follow up decry “Governments will teach about me in every school so kids KNOW.”

Flash drives will also be embedded in the stone that will be placed at the end of the new Commandments at each respective monument. Their purpose is not yet definite, but the tweet “buy my music on tidal 99 CENT downloaDs now for real #Yeezus” indicates the flash drives will feature 99 cent downloads of prominent religious West hymns for the poor.

At press time, God was seen tweeting President Barack Obama asking for the Presidency.

The post Kanye West Reveals He Is God After Ruining Music For Last Ten Years first appeared on World Report Today.

Shoes that are good for walking around in. 

Taylor Swift is a good singer and songwriter. 

This dog likes to catch the ball.

Pledge your soul to Baphomet, God of Ancient Darkness.

These are some bananas but kind of up close.

Baphomet, again.

The post So Relatable: 6 Things first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: If the Beatles Released a New Song Right Now, Would You Be Impressed Yet? You Broken, Jaded, Locust of Pop Culture first appeared on World Report Today.

“His eyes went completely white,” Bruno Mars explained, “We all thought he was going into shock.”

Just before the album of the year was nominated, Drake rose several inches above his seat.

“Foolish mortals,” he started, “Your awards mean nothing to me. I have touched the endless ocean of stars and shaken hands with the creator of this universe. He is displeased. I am the creation of your collective imaginations, a tulpa of your dying culture. I am a meme. Even after the earth has been absorbed into your puny sun, even after your sun has faded into cosmic dust, I will be here. Welcome to the second coming of the information age; this is the rapture of your own design.”

Drake’s body went limp and he rose to the top of the Staples Center, mumbling the lyrics to “Hotline Bling” in cursive.

“Really I shouldn’t be surprised,” John Legend began, “I saw him do this at a party last March. Whenever he has too much to drink, Drake likes to remind everyone that he is an immortal manifestation of the stagnant apathy and complacent mediocrity of the music industry. Like, oh my God, we get it.”

Drake finished his speech by shooting a laser from his head that destroyed three bass guitars, a spotlight, and Pentatonix.

The post Drake: “Foolish Mortals. I am a Tulpa of Your Dying Culture; I am a Meme.” first appeared on World Report Today.