“A 15 dollar an hour minimum wage is the only logical idea for this year” Clinton stated.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders smiling profusely to a roaring applause.

“The current federal minimum wage is a starvation wage. It’s got to be raised to a living wage” Clinton continued.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders, accompanied once more by a roaring applause.

The post Bernie Sanders In Agreeable Debate With Hillary Clinton from the Year 2020 first appeared on World Report Today.

“This is what I mean about protester violence” Trump said after having his head blown off by a railgun for the 37th time in a row. “I’m in a insurmountable amount of pain and I really cannot fully describe to you the extent of how much this hurts- and do you know why this hurts? It’s because people don’t think, they just do whatever they want, they’re stupid, they cause infinite time paradoxes, they really should just get another job.”

“I can tell you for sure that guy would never work for me, never.”

After 12 hours of the infinite time loop, Trump followed up with plans to make sure immigration from the future would be stopped forever. His campaign has released a proposal for a 85 quadrillion dollar 4D border fence that would stretch from the center of the third dimension to New Mexico.

UPDATE 5:13 PM 3/30/16 – The event has been deemed an isolated event of “Temporal Trumpicide” after a tribunal of international physicists met to analyze the occurrence. There are plans to take data on site as soon as next week to better explain the Trumpadox.

The post Donald Trump Stuck in Endless Cycle of Being Assassinated and Resuscitated By Time Traveler first appeared on World Report Today.

The candidate was in town for a fundraiser when airport officials had to spend the entire afternoon attempting the calm the 757 down after the unexpected interaction. The 757 was seen flaring its own tail wing and driving backward in a sideways pattern (attempting to look larger) to the safety of a nearby hanger after sighting the President’s plane.

Crews trying to lure the 757 out with jet fuel and other treats resulted in a simple mean stare from the plane itself, sparking a standoff that lasted hours.

The 757 didn’t warm up to airport crews until the plane itself felt lonely enough to seek attention. The airport has recommended that in the future the two planes shouldn’t be put in the same airport with one another.

The post Trump’s 757 Spooked by Larger Air Force One first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters shut down a Donald Trump rally last week, it has been pointed out by political pundits and even Trump himself that these protesters denied Donald Trump the right to free speech, something they also were practicing by protesting.

“I really cannot believe that these protesters would stop the thing they were protesting, it’s just hypocritical” said Trump’s rapid response director. “If I was protesting someone for their hate speech and successfully got them to stop doing it? That’s completely counter intuitive for myself and this election.”

“It’d be better if protesters would just go home for now on to make sure that they’re not taking away the first amendment right to the very thing they’re protesting because of that thing abusing it’s first amendment right. It’s unfair, and makes those protesters as bad as anybody can be.”

The post Outrageous: Protesters Infringe Free Speech of Thing They’re Protesting Due To Speech first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

“I have never, ever, condoned violence at my rallies. My supporters are passionate. I’m just as passionate. They care about their first amendment rights.” Trump explained.

“These protesters are trying to make sure I can’t even speak, and they say they’re for the constitution! I’ll tell you what, now I’d actually cause real violence for my first amendment right, you better believe it if you’re blocking my way up to this podium, there’s going to be hell to pay.” Trump said while blood started dripping out of one of his sleeves.

“I’d fight for my first amendment right, I’d even brawl for my first amendment right. I’d punch them in the face until their forehead started bleeding all over my suit, that I think I’ll sue them for too, because this is just ridiculous, it’s everywhere.”

“How did it even get inside my jacket, unbelievable.”

The post Donald Trump Defends Non-Violent Record Covered In Protester’s Blood first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

“I think nobody said anything because we were all mostly just really concerned about his arms” explained one 69 year old Orlando native. “Not once did he put down his arms the whole time he was asleep, it was like watching the moon landing.”

“The suspense was killing everybody, we just really wanted to see when he would drop to the floor, and then just nothin’. His arms just stayed there like gravity wasn’t even a thing” said another concerned audience member.

We reached out to Carson’s campaign to better understand what happened tonight, a spokesman for Carson explained that Ben was already in bed, and he wouldn’t know until late Saturday afternoon.

The post Ben Carson Asleep Whole Time While Announcing Suspension of Campaign first appeared on World Report Today.

The reporter, who suffers from a joint condition,  successfully made it look as if he had no condition at all in order to properly portray Donald Trump’s facial expression and pose. Sources confirmed that the reporter was referencing a time he and Donald Trump had met.

“Now this super racist presidential candidate, you should have seen this candidate” he continued, before launching into an apparent impression of Donald Trump by stabilizing his arms and hands long enough to comb all the hair on the back of his head to the front.

“I got a small loan of a million dollars from my dad, uhhh, I’m going to build a 12 billion dollar border wall uhhh. He’s going like “We need to deport all the illegal immigrants because they’re bringing rapists here.”

A Donald Trump spokeswoman told World Report Today: “We think it’s completely outrageous that this reporter would ridicule the appearance of our own candidate.” Trump’s campaign has not issued an official statement, but the tycoon took to Twitter to express his feelings about the event.

The post Disabled Reporter Mocks Able Bodied Donald Trump first appeared on World Report Today.

“I always try to be an advocate for Hillary where it counts the most, but this Super Tuesday was different, I genuinely had a good time talking with those concerned with making democracy better through their right to vote. This allowed me time to exercise my right to mingle without talking about my wife” the former President said despite probably being an expert in that specific subject.

“We’d have a real electioneering problem if I would have broke out my saxophone. Hillary would have lost Massachusetts to me” President Clinton joked to a silent news room.

Unaware that more than 68,000 people had signed a petition online calling for action to be taken against the former President for violating Massachusetts state election law, President Clinton said “Let’s be realistic, what are they gonna do, throw me in jail for talking to some people?” It was clear to reporters at the scene President Clinton was deliberately being a dick about what he was up to on Super Tuesday.

At press time, another petition with 300 million signatures declared this event an indisputable example of a dick move.

The post “I Did Not Have Relations With That Election” Bill Clinton Says Making Fun of Self first appeared on World Report Today.