When asked about the contract, Lynch responded “The green ones are my favorite.” to a room of bewildered reporters- awing at the site of a Marshawn Lynch cardboard cutout with a walkie talkie taped over his cardboard mouth.

“I just wanted to reach new heights and this is like achieving every height at the same time” Lynch further explained to reporters attempting to figure out where Lynch might be in the building, considering the football star was using a walkie talkie.

“If I see a single M&M I’m not going to talk again ever.”

The post Marshawn Lynch Signs Two Million Skittle Contract first appeared on World Report Today.

Brandon Johnson, an eight year old traveling with his family to the Big Apple, revolutionized what it meant for a plane to be putrid Monday afternoon when he vomited all over himself.

The smell of the vomit proceeded to make its way into the ventilation, and within minutes the entire airplane smelled like the inside of Johnson’s stomach.

“It was incredible” Brandon’s dad said on scene. “I had no idea he even had it in him- he skipped breakfast. He makes us just so proud.”

The post One Quick Trick To Make Whole Airplane Smell Like Puke first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta International, GA (WRT) – After a heightened terror alert due to the Brussels attacks this week, TSA officials have made it necessary for airports to step up security measures.

If you’re flying after Wednesday, you will be required at most international airports to take off your shoes, and your entire foot from the ankle down in order to make sure prohibited materials are not being hidden inside the heel of the actual foot itself.

“Shoe bombers were a big deal just a decade ago, now a days a terrorist could easily replace the bones in their own foot with flammable gels.” Mark Bury, an airport official explained. “We’re still trying to make sure that security itself isn’t too invasive, so no you won’t need to bring your own bone saw, and we have surgeons waiting right after we wheel you through the metal detector.”

We inquired with one flyer who had experienced the updated security method, and he wasn’t all that put off by the Saw-like safety measure either. “It’s not that big of a deal really, it’s for our own protection. Like how we give up a little privacy to the NSA to keep us safe. The surgeon says the nerves will grow back restoring feeling to my feet in eight to ten years… that’s much better than being killed by [SIC] an ISIS.”

The post TSA Implements Strict No Feet Policy first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters shut down a Donald Trump rally last week, it has been pointed out by political pundits and even Trump himself that these protesters denied Donald Trump the right to free speech, something they also were practicing by protesting.

“I really cannot believe that these protesters would stop the thing they were protesting, it’s just hypocritical” said Trump’s rapid response director. “If I was protesting someone for their hate speech and successfully got them to stop doing it? That’s completely counter intuitive for myself and this election.”

“It’d be better if protesters would just go home for now on to make sure that they’re not taking away the first amendment right to the very thing they’re protesting because of that thing abusing it’s first amendment right. It’s unfair, and makes those protesters as bad as anybody can be.”

The post Outrageous: Protesters Infringe Free Speech of Thing They’re Protesting Due To Speech first appeared on World Report Today.

Sources indicate that it is still not clear whether or not picking this up would be sanitary, leading some to believe that picking up the pin another time would lead to better resolution.

One report indicates there are other bobby pins to use and much dirtier parts of the home that require attention.

The post Bobby Pin Still On Floor Where You Dropped It Seven Months Ago first appeared on World Report Today.

“We ran lab tests on the organic bananas and the traditional, non-organic bananas. The results were something we should have expected.” team leader David Koffman said to reporters in front of a lab full of thousands of dollars worth of bananas. “Organic bananas and regular bananas are for sure, undoubtedly, bananas.”

“Essentially if you’re buying organic bananas, you’re paying a dollar extra for bananas, and I’m a f****** idiot for wasting lab time on this.”

The post Study: Researchers Find “Strong Evidence” Non-Organic Bananas At Store Are Bananas first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

“I have never, ever, condoned violence at my rallies. My supporters are passionate. I’m just as passionate. They care about their first amendment rights.” Trump explained.

“These protesters are trying to make sure I can’t even speak, and they say they’re for the constitution! I’ll tell you what, now I’d actually cause real violence for my first amendment right, you better believe it if you’re blocking my way up to this podium, there’s going to be hell to pay.” Trump said while blood started dripping out of one of his sleeves.

“I’d fight for my first amendment right, I’d even brawl for my first amendment right. I’d punch them in the face until their forehead started bleeding all over my suit, that I think I’ll sue them for too, because this is just ridiculous, it’s everywhere.”

“How did it even get inside my jacket, unbelievable.”

The post Donald Trump Defends Non-Violent Record Covered In Protester’s Blood first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Photo: This Mixtape Is On Fire first appeared on World Report Today.