The reporter, who suffers from a joint condition,  successfully made it look as if he had no condition at all in order to properly portray Donald Trump’s facial expression and pose. Sources confirmed that the reporter was referencing a time he and Donald Trump had met.

“Now this super racist presidential candidate, you should have seen this candidate” he continued, before launching into an apparent impression of Donald Trump by stabilizing his arms and hands long enough to comb all the hair on the back of his head to the front.

“I got a small loan of a million dollars from my dad, uhhh, I’m going to build a 12 billion dollar border wall uhhh. He’s going like “We need to deport all the illegal immigrants because they’re bringing rapists here.”

A Donald Trump spokeswoman told World Report Today: “We think it’s completely outrageous that this reporter would ridicule the appearance of our own candidate.” Trump’s campaign has not issued an official statement, but the tycoon took to Twitter to express his feelings about the event.

The post Disabled Reporter Mocks Able Bodied Donald Trump first appeared on World Report Today.

“I always try to be an advocate for Hillary where it counts the most, but this Super Tuesday was different, I genuinely had a good time talking with those concerned with making democracy better through their right to vote. This allowed me time to exercise my right to mingle without talking about my wife” the former President said despite probably being an expert in that specific subject.

“We’d have a real electioneering problem if I would have broke out my saxophone. Hillary would have lost Massachusetts to me” President Clinton joked to a silent news room.

Unaware that more than 68,000 people had signed a petition online calling for action to be taken against the former President for violating Massachusetts state election law, President Clinton said “Let’s be realistic, what are they gonna do, throw me in jail for talking to some people?” It was clear to reporters at the scene President Clinton was deliberately being a dick about what he was up to on Super Tuesday.

At press time, another petition with 300 million signatures declared this event an indisputable example of a dick move.

The post “I Did Not Have Relations With That Election” Bill Clinton Says Making Fun of Self first appeared on World Report Today.

“I thank you all for the ongoing, very important, and totally not redundant support we saw here on Super Tuesday” Clinton said to a raucous applause. “We know we’ve got work to do, I’ve got work to do, and I’m positive that your vote still somehow matters” Clinton said to the ecstatic crowd as she tried not to make her supporters feel completely worthless as they will probably end up being in states such as Georgia, Alabama, and Texas.

“Going forward, we need to remember to get everyone we can to vote… everyone we can. We need to ask even our family, friends, and co-workers in other states to vote. States like California, New York, Washington, Wisconsin, Maine, and many other preferably Midwest and North Eastern states.”

At press time, Bernie Sanders reinforced strong support in historically democratic states while CNN released another report about the inevitability of Hillary Clinton.

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Update: 8:31 am EST – It has come to our attention that readers have pointed out that Massachusetts is not inherently inside the number of commonly Republican states in general elections, in our defense, Bill Clinton is not usually inside Massachusetts. Our sources confirmed Wednesday that President Bill Clinton showed no restraint in taking full advantage of a state that was reportedly feeling “vulnerable” last night.

The post Hillary Clinton Wins Primary Only In Republican States In General Election first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton is realistic, she’s someone who knows how to actually get things done compared to Bernie Sander’s wishful thinking, and what those moron Republicans think.” said Sam on his way to voting in the Texas Democratic Primary on Super Tuesday. “Sanders just doesn’t come off as credible, after all, he’s a socialist.”

“We need somebody who’s experienced in the White House, somebody who has actually been in the White House before. I also think it’s time for a woman to be President, don’t you think?”

At press time, Sam was sure to get his whole family on board with the idea of voting for Hillary Clinton in November.

The post “Hillary Clinton is Realistic Choice” Says Father Who Did Absolutely No Political Research first appeared on World Report Today.

“She is clearly the momentum candidate heading into Super Tuesday judging by this amazing landslide victory” said one source. “We can deduce that from this single victory, Clinton has everything she needs to take the nomination- there is no doubt about it.”

“This has redefined the democratic race for the White House, there’s little chance that Bernie Sanders could ever be successful in the 46 other states.” another insider told WRT.

At press time, President Barack Obama and his family were seen packing their belongings in the White House early to make way for President Hillary Clinton who’s moving in next week. President Obama clarified to thank CNN for such up to date reporting, otherwise he never would have known Hillary Clinton would be the next President.

The post Clinton Wins Nomination After South Carolina Apparently Representative Of Whole Nation first appeared on World Report Today.

Houston, TX (WRT) – In the last debate before Super Tuesday, the five remaining GOP candidates had to fight hard to stay relevant among the political genius of a literal foreign policy blunder.

What appeared to be a jet fuel explosion infused with the wreckage of a United States drone wowed the crowd Thursday night as it laid out its plans for a 12 billion dollar Mexico-American wall that would actually cost at least 300 billion by the time construction was complete- with no aid from Mexico. The crowd was stunned at the revelation that the wall wouldn’t make any difference whatsoever, causing the crowd to burst into excitement.

“I can’t argue with that, I just can’t, you’re a very smart man and I can respect that, this is the future of the Republican party, the type of things we need, real conservatism” stated Donald Trump after the explosion with sounds of pure terror outlined its plans for continuing involvement in the Middle East, Syria, and the ambition to expand American influence/troops into Ukraine and Southern Russia.

The post Literal Foreign Policy Blunder Wins GOP Debate first appeared on World Report Today.