Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton represents people just like you, I mean, come on, like she supports raising the minimum wage to 10 dollars an hour” he said with sweat coming off his brow. “Sanders is dividing the democratic party, do you really think-do you really think [SIC] thats? ..a good idea?”

The millennial noticing a man wearing a dark suit on the other side of the room having turned around frantically started jiggling his hand, cuffed to the underside of the table in an unsuccessful attempt to escape. After the dark suit wearing man quickly turned back the millennial froze and continued “I mean do you really think- DO YOU REALLY THINK you can just go against the establishment??”

Laughing nervously while smirking he continued “[SIC] Ha ha, hahaha, I’m-m just kidding around, t-the establishment is just some m-made up Sanders fact.”

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Photo Credit: A Doctor

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“I absolutely disagree that we should be incurring more debt through tuition free community colleges, that’s just too far- it’d never be something we could realistically get passed” said Clinton from 2008. “Look, I’m also realistic on the issues, and I like to get things done. Since I have the EXPERIENCE on the matter, this would benefit the middle class, as would raising the social security tax cap” said Clinton from 2016.

“Absolutely not, if we were to raise the earnings subject to the social security tax, the tax increase would hit middle-class earners directly. I put fiscal responsibility first” reputed Clinton from 2008. “We need reasonable taxes that work with states with their specific situations. Just like how states should maintain many other things, such as their jurisdiction over marriage. I personally believe in what marriage currently is, as do the majority of Americans. But the states should have the final say rather than the federal level getting involved” continued Clinton from 2008.

“That issue is entirely different, because it is a debate of equality which the federal government enforces under the Constitution” a visibly flustered Clinton from 2016 responded with.

At press time, Hillary Clinton from 1998 waited her turn to make a statement in the ongoing argument.

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“This pizza is really good, and I really want to show them that I appreciate this, but I’m getting kind of full” Carson mumbled as he ate progressively slower.

“Mm… that crust looks really crusty too. That’s going to be kind of hard on my teeth. But then again I don’t think I’ll be eating for another three hours” Carson said to himself while raising the pizza up and down from his plate. “There isn’t a trashcan nearby either. I really don’t want to just have a plate with crust on it.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten this in the first place.”

At press time, Carson was looking slightly agitated as he awkwardly stood around campaign volunteers, attempting to spark up conversation so he could delay his pizza crust decision.

The post Ben Carson Unsure Whether Or Not To Eat Crust On Pizza first appeared on World Report Today.

“Breaking Bad really wasn’t all that good, it just started to really suck, so instead I’ve been watching Family Guy for the last few hours now” said Obama with his eyes barely open. “Of course I’m only watching the first few seasons, the good shit.”

With no other lights on in the room, it wasn’t apparent that Obama had set up a TV on one of the couches in the Oval Office. “People have been trying to get in here all day. Everybody thinks I’ve been in a emergency Pentagon briefing this whole time” the President said as he got some sort of meat snack out of the microwave on his desk. “I mean, let’s be realistic, they’re not going to find out. But if they did, what are they going to do, fire me?”

At press time, Obama had not figured out a plan to get the TV and the smell of sweat out of the Oval Office before tomorrow morning.

The post “What are they going to do, fire me?” Exclaims Tired Looking Obama After Watching TV for 18 Hours Straight first appeared on World Report Today.