Despite claims to love both “democracy” and “socialism” Bernie and his millennial, anarchist, Bernie Bros are completely unaware that socialism has never been successfully implemented in any nation in the world. Ever wonder why? Because, like a candle in the rain, this political and economic model is absolutely doomed from the start; if it weren’t, there would be one livable socialist nation on the earth, and this beautiful country has fought tooth and nail to make sure that something like that does not happen. 

2. Socialism is an Economic System That Requires You Own a Beehive

I bet you thought that you could get by the rest of your life not owning a beehive, but guess what: the bees are dying. Under socialism, you have to be responsible for making sure that doesn’t happen. I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of wearing one of those big, weird beekeeping suits and playing Tchaikovsky for your bees so they fuck better or whatever, because now there’s a big beehive in your back yard and you have to keep it alive. If you fail to keep your bees alive, Bernie Sanders will make you tend hornets, which are way worse. 

3. Bernie Sanders has been Dead for 30 Years

Sorry “broscialists” but your candidate is a ghost. Ever heard of a little something called habeas corpus? You cannot be elected if you do not have a body.

4. If a Socialist Bites You, You Become a Socialist

A socialist bites you right on the neck. What happens next? First, the bleeding. You’ll lose a lot of blood. Then you’ll start to worry about infection, because you have no idea where that socialists mouth has been! Then the transformation starts to take affect, and you’ll be demanding to see a doctor or be escorted to a hospital. I’m sure you’ll drive there on a road (which is your first mistake, roads are just the bridges to socialism), and then you’ll have to have your bite treated by professionals, which costs money. At this point, you’ll be a full socialist, complaining that you had to pay any amount of money to fix this life-or-death medical issue. Welcome to socialism, Stalin.

5. You’re Gonna be Lactose Intolerant Now

Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

The post 5 Things about Socialism that Bernie Doesn’t Want you to Know About first appeared on World Report Today.

“Electronic voting over the Internet would lead to fraud. It’s safer to count each and every ballot individually either by hand or with the supervised voting machines we have some places now” Mark Brahan stated although earlier this afternoon he sent his social security number via Facebook messenger to his mom. “Voting over the Internet is non-representational data that can be easily manipulated” he continued not having gone to the post office in nearly three months because email messaging has been more efficient and reliable.

“We have to insure that our elections are fair and balanced for both sides.”

At press time, Brahan could be seen going home to where he would pay all of his bills online.

The post “Online Voting Would Cause Fraud” Says Guy Who Finds Email More Reliable first appeared on World Report Today.

New York, NY (WRT) – In a follow up to Donald Trump’s last Thursday night GOP debate statement that “the wall just got ten feet taller”, Donald Trump has released part of the blueprint for the updated wall plan featuring the added height for Mexico’s President to look over.

“What do you think of this, ya dick?” Donald Trump stated to the press Tuesday afternoon in a Kindergarten class, where he had drew the blueprint himself with the help of another more artistically inclined child. “Even these kids can figure this out, these are kids, they’re not smart, they’re very stupid. But I can tell you that they’ll work harder than you could ever imagine building the wall you’re going to give us the money for.”

“The only dumber people than these children is the government of Mexico, and Mexican children who come here and flood our classrooms and can’t even speak English.”

At press time, we couldn’t even believe this shit.

The post Donald Trump’s Wall Just Got 10 Feet Dumber first appeared on World Report Today.

Washington, DC (WRT) – After days filled with tension and deadlock, Sen. John Cornyn was applauded by Congress when he brought S. 2407 to the floor, a vote to replace all Congressional seating with foamy multi-colored bean bag chairs.

“The American people need us to pay attention to their everyday problems, we cannot just sit here, uncomfortable, and deny to talk about problems facing everyday Americans.” said Cornyn as he walked slowly to the front of the podium.

“The American people need our support… they need our support back.” Cornyn explained as he positioned himself next to an easel holding a large poster with a cloth over it. “They need back support. And not just back support, we need comfort, fun, and stimulating relaxation.”

“That’s why I propose that we do something about it.” the senator said tearing off the curtain over a large graphic of a bean bag chair accompanied by a thunderous applause that could be heard throughout the building.

At press time, the House was preparing for an emergency session to review the bill.

The post Vote To Replace All Congressional Seating With Foamy Bean Bags Passed Unanimously first appeared on World Report Today.