“Hillary Clinton represents people just like you, I mean, come on, like she supports raising the minimum wage to 10 dollars an hour” he said with sweat coming off his brow. “Sanders is dividing the democratic party, do you really think-do you really think [SIC] thats? ..a good idea?”

The millennial noticing a man wearing a dark suit on the other side of the room having turned around frantically started jiggling his hand, cuffed to the underside of the table in an unsuccessful attempt to escape. After the dark suit wearing man quickly turned back the millennial froze and continued “I mean do you really think- DO YOU REALLY THINK you can just go against the establishment??”

Laughing nervously while smirking he continued “[SIC] Ha ha, hahaha, I’m-m just kidding around, t-the establishment is just some m-made up Sanders fact.”

The post Millennial Poll Officer Telling You To Vote For Hillary Clinton Seemingly Chained To Table first appeared on World Report Today.

Washington, DC (WRT) – After days filled with tension and deadlock, Sen. John Cornyn was applauded by Congress when he brought S. 2407 to the floor, a vote to replace all Congressional seating with foamy multi-colored bean bag chairs.

“The American people need us to pay attention to their everyday problems, we cannot just sit here, uncomfortable, and deny to talk about problems facing everyday Americans.” said Cornyn as he walked slowly to the front of the podium.

“The American people need our support… they need our support back.” Cornyn explained as he positioned himself next to an easel holding a large poster with a cloth over it. “They need back support. And not just back support, we need comfort, fun, and stimulating relaxation.”

“That’s why I propose that we do something about it.” the senator said tearing off the curtain over a large graphic of a bean bag chair accompanied by a thunderous applause that could be heard throughout the building.

At press time, the House was preparing for an emergency session to review the bill.

The post Vote To Replace All Congressional Seating With Foamy Bean Bags Passed Unanimously first appeared on World Report Today.

After reporting the security breach, it became apparent that those responsible had access to the senate the previous day.

“Paintball, really? Never played that one before but it sure sounds fun” said Senate Republican David Perdue with a huge walnut sized bruise on his forehead. “Wow this place is sure the mess, it almost looks like whoever was the blue team got mad beat though” Senate Republican Ron Johnson said looking at the carnage.

“It definitely looks like who ever was the red team got their asses handed to them” chimed in Senate Democrat Cory Booker.  “Yeah looks like they can’t even fuckin’ aim” added Senate Democrat Chris Coons.

At press time Chris Coons and Senate Republican Tom Cotton could be seen shoving each other as the group of senators started arguing about which team had doper stats.

The post US Senate Floor Completely Wrecked After Midnight Paintball Fight first appeared on World Report Today.

“I absolutely disagree that we should be incurring more debt through tuition free community colleges, that’s just too far- it’d never be something we could realistically get passed” said Clinton from 2008. “Look, I’m also realistic on the issues, and I like to get things done. Since I have the EXPERIENCE on the matter, this would benefit the middle class, as would raising the social security tax cap” said Clinton from 2016.

“Absolutely not, if we were to raise the earnings subject to the social security tax, the tax increase would hit middle-class earners directly. I put fiscal responsibility first” reputed Clinton from 2008. “We need reasonable taxes that work with states with their specific situations. Just like how states should maintain many other things, such as their jurisdiction over marriage. I personally believe in what marriage currently is, as do the majority of Americans. But the states should have the final say rather than the federal level getting involved” continued Clinton from 2008.

“That issue is entirely different, because it is a debate of equality which the federal government enforces under the Constitution” a visibly flustered Clinton from 2016 responded with.

At press time, Hillary Clinton from 1998 waited her turn to make a statement in the ongoing argument.

The post Hillary Clinton From 2016 in Fierce Debate With Hillary Clinton From 2008 Before NH Primary first appeared on World Report Today.

“I came straight here, I’m the hungriest American there is right now, and I have the record to prove it” O’Malley said to a bewildered Denny’s cashier, confused why he was talking so loudly as the only other person in the building besides the chef. Unaware she was about to serve the recent drop out of the Democratic Presidential race, she asked O’Malley whether or not he voted in the Iowa caucus.

“Did I vote in the Iowa caucus? DID I VOTE IN THE IOWA CAUCUS? I’ve never needed a Grand Slam so badly in my life.” O’Malley said visibly frustrated while aggressively loosening his tie.

At press time, O’Malley could be seen stabbing what was left of his Grand Slam meal with a fork and staring through his booth’s window into a nearby yard with a visible “Hillary Clinton For President” sign.

The post O’Malley Goes to Denny’s After Dropping Out of Presidential Race, “I’ve never needed a Grand Slam so badly in my life” first appeared on World Report Today.