Despite claims to love both “democracy” and “socialism” Bernie and his millennial, anarchist, Bernie Bros are completely unaware that socialism has never been successfully implemented in any nation in the world. Ever wonder why? Because, like a candle in the rain, this political and economic model is absolutely doomed from the start; if it weren’t, there would be one livable socialist nation on the earth, and this beautiful country has fought tooth and nail to make sure that something like that does not happen. 

2. Socialism is an Economic System That Requires You Own a Beehive

I bet you thought that you could get by the rest of your life not owning a beehive, but guess what: the bees are dying. Under socialism, you have to be responsible for making sure that doesn’t happen. I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of wearing one of those big, weird beekeeping suits and playing Tchaikovsky for your bees so they fuck better or whatever, because now there’s a big beehive in your back yard and you have to keep it alive. If you fail to keep your bees alive, Bernie Sanders will make you tend hornets, which are way worse. 

3. Bernie Sanders has been Dead for 30 Years

Sorry “broscialists” but your candidate is a ghost. Ever heard of a little something called habeas corpus? You cannot be elected if you do not have a body.

4. If a Socialist Bites You, You Become a Socialist

A socialist bites you right on the neck. What happens next? First, the bleeding. You’ll lose a lot of blood. Then you’ll start to worry about infection, because you have no idea where that socialists mouth has been! Then the transformation starts to take affect, and you’ll be demanding to see a doctor or be escorted to a hospital. I’m sure you’ll drive there on a road (which is your first mistake, roads are just the bridges to socialism), and then you’ll have to have your bite treated by professionals, which costs money. At this point, you’ll be a full socialist, complaining that you had to pay any amount of money to fix this life-or-death medical issue. Welcome to socialism, Stalin.

5. You’re Gonna be Lactose Intolerant Now

Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

The post 5 Things about Socialism that Bernie Doesn’t Want you to Know About first appeared on World Report Today.

“A 15 dollar an hour minimum wage is the only logical idea for this year” Clinton stated.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders smiling profusely to a roaring applause.

“The current federal minimum wage is a starvation wage. It’s got to be raised to a living wage” Clinton continued.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders, accompanied once more by a roaring applause.

The post Bernie Sanders In Agreeable Debate With Hillary Clinton from the Year 2020 first appeared on World Report Today.

“The Daily Kos reported that Elizabeth Warren had finally endorsed Bernie Sanders, and then it said April Fools at the bottom. I am never reading ever again” one man reported.

“What if I actually wanted a gaming toaster?” Another said in response to Razer’s Project Breadwinner.

“If Google doesn’t add back that Minion Mic Drop feature I am going to scream until my throat starts bleeding.”

The post “April Fools!” Reads Website Article With Shitty Clickbait Title first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

“I thank you all for the ongoing, very important, and totally not redundant support we saw here on Super Tuesday” Clinton said to a raucous applause. “We know we’ve got work to do, I’ve got work to do, and I’m positive that your vote still somehow matters” Clinton said to the ecstatic crowd as she tried not to make her supporters feel completely worthless as they will probably end up being in states such as Georgia, Alabama, and Texas.

“Going forward, we need to remember to get everyone we can to vote… everyone we can. We need to ask even our family, friends, and co-workers in other states to vote. States like California, New York, Washington, Wisconsin, Maine, and many other preferably Midwest and North Eastern states.”

At press time, Bernie Sanders reinforced strong support in historically democratic states while CNN released another report about the inevitability of Hillary Clinton.

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Update: 8:31 am EST – It has come to our attention that readers have pointed out that Massachusetts is not inherently inside the number of commonly Republican states in general elections, in our defense, Bill Clinton is not usually inside Massachusetts. Our sources confirmed Wednesday that President Bill Clinton showed no restraint in taking full advantage of a state that was reportedly feeling “vulnerable” last night.

The post Hillary Clinton Wins Primary Only In Republican States In General Election first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton is realistic, she’s someone who knows how to actually get things done compared to Bernie Sander’s wishful thinking, and what those moron Republicans think.” said Sam on his way to voting in the Texas Democratic Primary on Super Tuesday. “Sanders just doesn’t come off as credible, after all, he’s a socialist.”

“We need somebody who’s experienced in the White House, somebody who has actually been in the White House before. I also think it’s time for a woman to be President, don’t you think?”

At press time, Sam was sure to get his whole family on board with the idea of voting for Hillary Clinton in November.

The post “Hillary Clinton is Realistic Choice” Says Father Who Did Absolutely No Political Research first appeared on World Report Today.

“She is clearly the momentum candidate heading into Super Tuesday judging by this amazing landslide victory” said one source. “We can deduce that from this single victory, Clinton has everything she needs to take the nomination- there is no doubt about it.”

“This has redefined the democratic race for the White House, there’s little chance that Bernie Sanders could ever be successful in the 46 other states.” another insider told WRT.

At press time, President Barack Obama and his family were seen packing their belongings in the White House early to make way for President Hillary Clinton who’s moving in next week. President Obama clarified to thank CNN for such up to date reporting, otherwise he never would have known Hillary Clinton would be the next President.

The post Clinton Wins Nomination After South Carolina Apparently Representative Of Whole Nation first appeared on World Report Today.

Willie Wilson who hasn’t had enough support throughout the primary process to even be invited to democratic debates, and only now has gotten on the ballot in South Carolina just days prior to the vote, apparently is still not drawing the eye of supporters in the face of Wonka’s campaign now eclipsing his own. Wilson, who is supportive of canceling outstanding student loan debt and focusing on education initiatives, just wasn’t likable enough for democrats compared to Wonka’s promise of Universal Candy.

Willy Wonka over the last few weeks has outlined his plans for a single payer candy system, where all Americans are able to subsidize their own sweets. Many also say that Wonka comes off as a “capable leader” compared to Wilson, mostly due to his much tighter foreign policy where America’s enemies would be forced to survive and eventually win Wonka’s candy factory in order to prove their ethical worth as a new ally.

Wonka himself might be doing better if it wasn’t for his extensive ties to major candy corporations and the milk-chocolate industrial complex.

The post Willie Wilson Behind Willy Wonka By 0.5% In South Carolina Primary first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton represents people just like you, I mean, come on, like she supports raising the minimum wage to 10 dollars an hour” he said with sweat coming off his brow. “Sanders is dividing the democratic party, do you really think-do you really think [SIC] thats? ..a good idea?”

The millennial noticing a man wearing a dark suit on the other side of the room having turned around frantically started jiggling his hand, cuffed to the underside of the table in an unsuccessful attempt to escape. After the dark suit wearing man quickly turned back the millennial froze and continued “I mean do you really think- DO YOU REALLY THINK you can just go against the establishment??”

Laughing nervously while smirking he continued “[SIC] Ha ha, hahaha, I’m-m just kidding around, t-the establishment is just some m-made up Sanders fact.”

The post Millennial Poll Officer Telling You To Vote For Hillary Clinton Seemingly Chained To Table first appeared on World Report Today.