Once the news broke and it was clear the satellite wasn’t used for “weather tracking, mapping natural resources, and forest distribution” as originally claimed by Pyongyang, Pyongyang released a new statement claiming the Supreme Leader had observed the Super Bowl.

“The Supreme Leader takes pity in such American entertainment, the ‘Broncos’ deserve no glory for throwing an incorrectly shaped ball” the statement said. Pyongyang also indicated that it was excited to eventually “log the recorded footage” after Kwangmyongsong Three could retrieve the satellite.

At press time, Kwangmyongsong Three appears to be a slightly newer digital camera.

The post NORAD: Defense Agency Says North Korean Satellite Flew Over Super Bowl, Literally Was a Digital Camera first appeared on World Report Today.

“I just don’t know how that could be true, I had so much fun tonight” said one skeptical man after the Super Bowl. “I’ve eaten so much today I feel absolutely sick. I’ve never been that hungry before and probably would kill myself if I was.”

When presented with the fact that 22% of all children in the United States live in poverty, the man responded “Well not my children, definitely not my children. I don’t know anybody going through that.”

When asked whether or not he would do anything to combat childhood poverty in the United States, the man told reporters “Well, you know, I kind of have this Super Bowl after party that I’m REALLY late for. So I mean I wish I could help, but ERRRRRRR, I already have plans tonight.”

At press time, the local douchebag was seen drinking his 6th beer in his four bedroom house.

The post STUDY: Childhood Poverty Still a Thing Despite Super Bowl Being Awesome first appeared on World Report Today.

“I think I offered that funny lookin’ fella about a zillion bucks or some shit, gave the guy my car keys too, I just wanted the broncs” he said in slurred speech to a press team. “Told the boys down at coca cola I wanted advertising, THIS is [SIC] adverver…ver tising”

Kent went on to explain that the Broncos have a new name effective immediately, the Broncoca Cola’s. “my first act as commander and chief of the Broncoca Cola’s will be to win this damn [SIC] Super Roll on down to my house, I want to go home”

At press time, reporters were becoming equally baffled at the rumor that Pepsi had purchased the Pepi-Panthers- a rumor sparked by a sudden name change of the North Carolina team.

The post Bronco’s Change Name To “Broncoca Cola’s” after Coca Cola CEO Purchases Team In Drunk Half Time Rage first appeared on World Report Today.

“I like orange” the seven year old analyst could be heard saying. “Football is my favorite sport” he followed up with.

With less than a few hours from kick off, he has also questioned when dinner is going to be ready.

The post Broncos Will Win Super Bowl Due to Likable Orange Color, Claims 7 Year Old Analyst first appeared on World Report Today.

“Literally he has been sleeping this whole time, I have no clue why he’d miss this” complained one family member as the cat readjusted his face on the coffee table. “If he hadn’t moved just now, he might as well just be dead.”

The sleeping cat has continuously ignored most, if not all of the family members. We couldn’t obtain an interview with anybody who had seen the cat awake. “I don’t think we should invite him back next year” joked one younger cousin while attempting to move the comatose cat into a nearby closet.

At press time, there was no indication about whether or not the cat had plans to at least say goodbye to visitors later tonight.

The post House Hold Cat Not Even Interested In Super Bowl Party, What a Dick first appeared on World Report Today.