“I thank you all for the ongoing, very important, and totally not redundant support we saw here on Super Tuesday” Clinton said to a raucous applause. “We know we’ve got work to do, I’ve got work to do, and I’m positive that your vote still somehow matters” Clinton said to the ecstatic crowd as she tried not to make her supporters feel completely worthless as they will probably end up being in states such as Georgia, Alabama, and Texas.

“Going forward, we need to remember to get everyone we can to vote… everyone we can. We need to ask even our family, friends, and co-workers in other states to vote. States like California, New York, Washington, Wisconsin, Maine, and many other preferably Midwest and North Eastern states.”

At press time, Bernie Sanders reinforced strong support in historically democratic states while CNN released another report about the inevitability of Hillary Clinton.

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Update: 8:31 am EST – It has come to our attention that readers have pointed out that Massachusetts is not inherently inside the number of commonly Republican states in general elections, in our defense, Bill Clinton is not usually inside Massachusetts. Our sources confirmed Wednesday that President Bill Clinton showed no restraint in taking full advantage of a state that was reportedly feeling “vulnerable” last night.

The post Hillary Clinton Wins Primary Only In Republican States In General Election first appeared on World Report Today.

Washington, DC (WRT) – After days filled with tension and deadlock, Sen. John Cornyn was applauded by Congress when he brought S. 2407 to the floor, a vote to replace all Congressional seating with foamy multi-colored bean bag chairs.

“The American people need us to pay attention to their everyday problems, we cannot just sit here, uncomfortable, and deny to talk about problems facing everyday Americans.” said Cornyn as he walked slowly to the front of the podium.

“The American people need our support… they need our support back.” Cornyn explained as he positioned himself next to an easel holding a large poster with a cloth over it. “They need back support. And not just back support, we need comfort, fun, and stimulating relaxation.”

“That’s why I propose that we do something about it.” the senator said tearing off the curtain over a large graphic of a bean bag chair accompanied by a thunderous applause that could be heard throughout the building.

At press time, the House was preparing for an emergency session to review the bill.

The post Vote To Replace All Congressional Seating With Foamy Bean Bags Passed Unanimously first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: Which Republican Candidate Will Drop Out Next? first appeared on World Report Today.

Photo Credit: A Doctor

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After reporting the security breach, it became apparent that those responsible had access to the senate the previous day.

“Paintball, really? Never played that one before but it sure sounds fun” said Senate Republican David Perdue with a huge walnut sized bruise on his forehead. “Wow this place is sure the mess, it almost looks like whoever was the blue team got mad beat though” Senate Republican Ron Johnson said looking at the carnage.

“It definitely looks like who ever was the red team got their asses handed to them” chimed in Senate Democrat Cory Booker.  “Yeah looks like they can’t even fuckin’ aim” added Senate Democrat Chris Coons.

At press time Chris Coons and Senate Republican Tom Cotton could be seen shoving each other as the group of senators started arguing about which team had doper stats.

The post US Senate Floor Completely Wrecked After Midnight Paintball Fight first appeared on World Report Today.

The Boeing 757 with Donald Trump on board was on its way to a rally in Little Rock, Arkansas when the pilot noticed the entire right engine was engulfed in black smoke. Once on the ground, it became clear the the engine was chalked full of what appeared to be a burnt small loan of a million dollars.

“It’s going to take us at least a month to scrub that much small loan of a million dollars out” said Tim Wagner, an airline engineer as he shook his head at what was left of the engine’s fuel lines that had been mangled by thousands of dollar bills.

At press time, Donald Trump’s campaign manager was urging the candidate to be more careful of where he leaves his self contributed campaign dollars.

The post Donald Trump’s Jet Makes Emergency Landing in Tennessee, Engines Clogged With Small Loan of Million Dollars. first appeared on World Report Today.