Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

“Hillary Clinton is realistic, she’s someone who knows how to actually get things done compared to Bernie Sander’s wishful thinking, and what those moron Republicans think.” said Sam on his way to voting in the Texas Democratic Primary on Super Tuesday. “Sanders just doesn’t come off as credible, after all, he’s a socialist.”

“We need somebody who’s experienced in the White House, somebody who has actually been in the White House before. I also think it’s time for a woman to be President, don’t you think?”

At press time, Sam was sure to get his whole family on board with the idea of voting for Hillary Clinton in November.

The post “Hillary Clinton is Realistic Choice” Says Father Who Did Absolutely No Political Research first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: Which Republican Candidate Will Drop Out Next? first appeared on World Report Today.

“I only want to hear the results in the clearest format available, it would have ruined the experience completely otherwise.” Sanders said to a group of reporters in a basement at a friend’s house of his. “This was absolutely worth it, and it’s clear to me- it should be clear to everybody, that election results are not about Bernie Sanders… election results are about pristine audio quality”

At press time, the Vermont Senator could be seen in an anti-establishment discussion with his friends “who understand the real problems the United States faces today.”

The post Bernie Sanders Finally Hears New Hampshire Results After Waiting For Vinyl Release first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: If the Beatles Released a New Song Right Now, Would You Be Impressed Yet? You Broken, Jaded, Locust of Pop Culture first appeared on World Report Today.

“This pizza is really good, and I really want to show them that I appreciate this, but I’m getting kind of full” Carson mumbled as he ate progressively slower.

“Mm… that crust looks really crusty too. That’s going to be kind of hard on my teeth. But then again I don’t think I’ll be eating for another three hours” Carson said to himself while raising the pizza up and down from his plate. “There isn’t a trashcan nearby either. I really don’t want to just have a plate with crust on it.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten this in the first place.”

At press time, Carson was looking slightly agitated as he awkwardly stood around campaign volunteers, attempting to spark up conversation so he could delay his pizza crust decision.

The post Ben Carson Unsure Whether Or Not To Eat Crust On Pizza first appeared on World Report Today.

The Boeing 757 with Donald Trump on board was on its way to a rally in Little Rock, Arkansas when the pilot noticed the entire right engine was engulfed in black smoke. Once on the ground, it became clear the the engine was chalked full of what appeared to be a burnt small loan of a million dollars.

“It’s going to take us at least a month to scrub that much small loan of a million dollars out” said Tim Wagner, an airline engineer as he shook his head at what was left of the engine’s fuel lines that had been mangled by thousands of dollar bills.

At press time, Donald Trump’s campaign manager was urging the candidate to be more careful of where he leaves his self contributed campaign dollars.

The post Donald Trump’s Jet Makes Emergency Landing in Tennessee, Engines Clogged With Small Loan of Million Dollars. first appeared on World Report Today.