“This is what I mean about protester violence” Trump said after having his head blown off by a railgun for the 37th time in a row. “I’m in a insurmountable amount of pain and I really cannot fully describe to you the extent of how much this hurts- and do you know why this hurts? It’s because people don’t think, they just do whatever they want, they’re stupid, they cause infinite time paradoxes, they really should just get another job.”

“I can tell you for sure that guy would never work for me, never.”

After 12 hours of the infinite time loop, Trump followed up with plans to make sure immigration from the future would be stopped forever. His campaign has released a proposal for a 85 quadrillion dollar 4D border fence that would stretch from the center of the third dimension to New Mexico.

UPDATE 5:13 PM 3/30/16 – The event has been deemed an isolated event of “Temporal Trumpicide” after a tribunal of international physicists met to analyze the occurrence. There are plans to take data on site as soon as next week to better explain the Trumpadox.

The post Donald Trump Stuck in Endless Cycle of Being Assassinated and Resuscitated By Time Traveler first appeared on World Report Today.

The candidate was in town for a fundraiser when airport officials had to spend the entire afternoon attempting the calm the 757 down after the unexpected interaction. The 757 was seen flaring its own tail wing and driving backward in a sideways pattern (attempting to look larger) to the safety of a nearby hanger after sighting the President’s plane.

Crews trying to lure the 757 out with jet fuel and other treats resulted in a simple mean stare from the plane itself, sparking a standoff that lasted hours.

The 757 didn’t warm up to airport crews until the plane itself felt lonely enough to seek attention. The airport has recommended that in the future the two planes shouldn’t be put in the same airport with one another.

The post Trump’s 757 Spooked by Larger Air Force One first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters shut down a Donald Trump rally last week, it has been pointed out by political pundits and even Trump himself that these protesters denied Donald Trump the right to free speech, something they also were practicing by protesting.

“I really cannot believe that these protesters would stop the thing they were protesting, it’s just hypocritical” said Trump’s rapid response director. “If I was protesting someone for their hate speech and successfully got them to stop doing it? That’s completely counter intuitive for myself and this election.”

“It’d be better if protesters would just go home for now on to make sure that they’re not taking away the first amendment right to the very thing they’re protesting because of that thing abusing it’s first amendment right. It’s unfair, and makes those protesters as bad as anybody can be.”

The post Outrageous: Protesters Infringe Free Speech of Thing They’re Protesting Due To Speech first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

The reporter, who suffers from a joint condition,  successfully made it look as if he had no condition at all in order to properly portray Donald Trump’s facial expression and pose. Sources confirmed that the reporter was referencing a time he and Donald Trump had met.

“Now this super racist presidential candidate, you should have seen this candidate” he continued, before launching into an apparent impression of Donald Trump by stabilizing his arms and hands long enough to comb all the hair on the back of his head to the front.

“I got a small loan of a million dollars from my dad, uhhh, I’m going to build a 12 billion dollar border wall uhhh. He’s going like “We need to deport all the illegal immigrants because they’re bringing rapists here.”

A Donald Trump spokeswoman told World Report Today: “We think it’s completely outrageous that this reporter would ridicule the appearance of our own candidate.” Trump’s campaign has not issued an official statement, but the tycoon took to Twitter to express his feelings about the event.

The post Disabled Reporter Mocks Able Bodied Donald Trump first appeared on World Report Today.

“Oh no… ooohhh noooo, what have I done” Christie thought to himself.

“This is bad, oh this is bad, this is real bad”

“I just told the world that this guy is the future of the Republican party and that he will bring the Republican party together, oh god what did I just do ohhhhhhhhhhhh”

“I’m going to be responsible for the nuclear skirmish this guy has with the middle east, I know I am, this is worse than a moment of weakness on my part, what is New Jersey going to think, this is the worst, ohhhhhh goooooodddd”

At press time, Governor Chris Christie was seen trembling back stage as he dealt with the first real brain functions his body and mind had ever endured in his entire life.

The post Chris Christie Regretting Whole Life After Backing Trump In “Moment Of Weakness” first appeared on World Report Today.

New York, NY (WRT) – In a follow up to Donald Trump’s last Thursday night GOP debate statement that “the wall just got ten feet taller”, Donald Trump has released part of the blueprint for the updated wall plan featuring the added height for Mexico’s President to look over.

“What do you think of this, ya dick?” Donald Trump stated to the press Tuesday afternoon in a Kindergarten class, where he had drew the blueprint himself with the help of another more artistically inclined child. “Even these kids can figure this out, these are kids, they’re not smart, they’re very stupid. But I can tell you that they’ll work harder than you could ever imagine building the wall you’re going to give us the money for.”

“The only dumber people than these children is the government of Mexico, and Mexican children who come here and flood our classrooms and can’t even speak English.”

At press time, we couldn’t even believe this shit.

The post Donald Trump’s Wall Just Got 10 Feet Dumber first appeared on World Report Today.

Houston, TX (WRT) – In the last debate before Super Tuesday, the five remaining GOP candidates had to fight hard to stay relevant among the political genius of a literal foreign policy blunder.

What appeared to be a jet fuel explosion infused with the wreckage of a United States drone wowed the crowd Thursday night as it laid out its plans for a 12 billion dollar Mexico-American wall that would actually cost at least 300 billion by the time construction was complete- with no aid from Mexico. The crowd was stunned at the revelation that the wall wouldn’t make any difference whatsoever, causing the crowd to burst into excitement.

“I can’t argue with that, I just can’t, you’re a very smart man and I can respect that, this is the future of the Republican party, the type of things we need, real conservatism” stated Donald Trump after the explosion with sounds of pure terror outlined its plans for continuing involvement in the Middle East, Syria, and the ambition to expand American influence/troops into Ukraine and Southern Russia.

The post Literal Foreign Policy Blunder Wins GOP Debate first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: Which Republican Candidate Will Drop Out Next? first appeared on World Report Today.

Photo Credit: A Doctor

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