Atlanta, GA (WRT) – After rolling out a wave of new insights into the democratic primary, CNN has decided to start tallying “Unpledged Bullshit” so voters can better understand who’s winning the democratic races.

“We can get a better prediction out of tallying where the unpledged bullshits stand. At the democratic national convention, they can ultimately vote either way. But this is what we know as of right now.” CNN political correspondent Tom Ross explained. “CNN is attempting to predict that outcome, and it’s better when we can look at the big picture, and to do that, it requires tallying things like superdelegates, unpledged bullshit.”

When asked why Senator Bernie Sanders hasn’t been awarded as much Unpledged Bullshit as Secretary Hillary Clinton, Ross responded “I wouldn’t say that by tallying these numbers that it helps create a narrative- Senator Sanders just doesn’t have any bullshit yet, so his count is currently zero. This may be an indication that he hasn’t struck the attention of bullshit endorsements just yet.”

The post CNN Adds Unpledged Bullshit Category “To Better Show Delegate Lead” first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters raided a Trump rally, the billionaire Presidential Candidate was forced to cancel his event, citing safety concerns over the violence taking place around the arena sparked by the massive protest.

“I don’t condone violence Don” Trump said to CNN’s Don Lemon over phone from the arena, and after telling supporters at a recent rally to “rough up” protesters.

“I just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Trump stated after saying he’d like to punch a protester in the face just last week.

“Our freedom of speech was violated totally” Trump also said after multiple other rallies where his supporters spit and shoved protesters, effectively shutting them up.

At press time, reports circulating indicated that at upcoming Trump rallies, a mosh pit would be a mandatory opening act to the Presidential candidate. Followed by a paintball fight/burning cross combo after party.

The post Trump Says He Doesn’t Condone Violence After Inciting Violence For Months first appeared on World Report Today.

“Oh no… ooohhh noooo, what have I done” Christie thought to himself.

“This is bad, oh this is bad, this is real bad”

“I just told the world that this guy is the future of the Republican party and that he will bring the Republican party together, oh god what did I just do ohhhhhhhhhhhh”

“I’m going to be responsible for the nuclear skirmish this guy has with the middle east, I know I am, this is worse than a moment of weakness on my part, what is New Jersey going to think, this is the worst, ohhhhhh goooooodddd”

At press time, Governor Chris Christie was seen trembling back stage as he dealt with the first real brain functions his body and mind had ever endured in his entire life.

The post Chris Christie Regretting Whole Life After Backing Trump In “Moment Of Weakness” first appeared on World Report Today.

“I thank you all for the ongoing, very important, and totally not redundant support we saw here on Super Tuesday” Clinton said to a raucous applause. “We know we’ve got work to do, I’ve got work to do, and I’m positive that your vote still somehow matters” Clinton said to the ecstatic crowd as she tried not to make her supporters feel completely worthless as they will probably end up being in states such as Georgia, Alabama, and Texas.

“Going forward, we need to remember to get everyone we can to vote… everyone we can. We need to ask even our family, friends, and co-workers in other states to vote. States like California, New York, Washington, Wisconsin, Maine, and many other preferably Midwest and North Eastern states.”

At press time, Bernie Sanders reinforced strong support in historically democratic states while CNN released another report about the inevitability of Hillary Clinton.

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Update: 8:31 am EST – It has come to our attention that readers have pointed out that Massachusetts is not inherently inside the number of commonly Republican states in general elections, in our defense, Bill Clinton is not usually inside Massachusetts. Our sources confirmed Wednesday that President Bill Clinton showed no restraint in taking full advantage of a state that was reportedly feeling “vulnerable” last night.

The post Hillary Clinton Wins Primary Only In Republican States In General Election first appeared on World Report Today.