“The Daily Kos reported that Elizabeth Warren had finally endorsed Bernie Sanders, and then it said April Fools at the bottom. I am never reading ever again” one man reported.

“What if I actually wanted a gaming toaster?” Another said in response to Razer’s Project Breadwinner.

“If Google doesn’t add back that Minion Mic Drop feature I am going to scream until my throat starts bleeding.”

The post “April Fools!” Reads Website Article With Shitty Clickbait Title first appeared on World Report Today.

Brandon Johnson, an eight year old traveling with his family to the Big Apple, revolutionized what it meant for a plane to be putrid Monday afternoon when he vomited all over himself.

The smell of the vomit proceeded to make its way into the ventilation, and within minutes the entire airplane smelled like the inside of Johnson’s stomach.

“It was incredible” Brandon’s dad said on scene. “I had no idea he even had it in him- he skipped breakfast. He makes us just so proud.”

The post One Quick Trick To Make Whole Airplane Smell Like Puke first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta International, GA (WRT) – After a heightened terror alert due to the Brussels attacks this week, TSA officials have made it necessary for airports to step up security measures.

If you’re flying after Wednesday, you will be required at most international airports to take off your shoes, and your entire foot from the ankle down in order to make sure prohibited materials are not being hidden inside the heel of the actual foot itself.

“Shoe bombers were a big deal just a decade ago, now a days a terrorist could easily replace the bones in their own foot with flammable gels.” Mark Bury, an airport official explained. “We’re still trying to make sure that security itself isn’t too invasive, so no you won’t need to bring your own bone saw, and we have surgeons waiting right after we wheel you through the metal detector.”

We inquired with one flyer who had experienced the updated security method, and he wasn’t all that put off by the Saw-like safety measure either. “It’s not that big of a deal really, it’s for our own protection. Like how we give up a little privacy to the NSA to keep us safe. The surgeon says the nerves will grow back restoring feeling to my feet in eight to ten years… that’s much better than being killed by [SIC] an ISIS.”

The post TSA Implements Strict No Feet Policy first appeared on World Report Today.

Sources indicate that it is still not clear whether or not picking this up would be sanitary, leading some to believe that picking up the pin another time would lead to better resolution.

One report indicates there are other bobby pins to use and much dirtier parts of the home that require attention.

The post Bobby Pin Still On Floor Where You Dropped It Seven Months Ago first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: What is the Most Comfortable Way to Pee? first appeared on World Report Today.

Waunona, MN (WRT) – I found this pair of boots in a restaurant in the bathroom. These boots are very stylish and I imagine whoever wears these boots will get a lot of women or men. Somebody should hurry up and claim these boots before I take them and use them to get a brand new job as the CEO of Looking Good!

1. These Cool Ass Boots are Dope AF

Look, let’s just stick to the facts. These cool ass boots offer a lot of flare in both the dope department, and the groovy department. I’d wager these cool ass boots could even be considered fly. If I had to think of a few more adjectives for these cool ass boots, I would, because I like these cool ass boots a lot and so should you.

2. These Cool Ass Boots Will Keep Your Feet Dry, Definitely

There is no doubt in my mind that your feet will be dry in these cool ass boots. Whoever used to own these cool ass boots definitely knew a thing or two about dry feet. They probably had a whole book about dry feet and how dry feet are better than wet feet. You can’t do anything in wet feet. Have you tried going to the circus in wet feet? You can’t even enjoy the elephants because your feet are all wet.

3. Nobody is Going to Hurt You if You Wear These Cool Ass Boots

Nuh uh, no sir, no way. If I put these cool ass boots on I doubt I could even get a vicious, rabid junkyard dog to nibble on my toes. Even an angry man who is about to hit you will take one look at your cool ass boots and recognize you as a person with serious style.

4. If Nobody Claims These Cool Ass Boots I Am Going to Take the Cool Ass Boots and They Will be Mine

I am going to say it for the last time: I will wait only five more minutes for somebody to claim these cool ass boots from the bathroom at the Arby’s and then I am going to take them with me. If you are walking around right now and suddenly notice that you are missing a pair of cool ass boots, you need to get your naked feet into this Arby’s and claim your footwear.

5. That’s It! I Am Snatching These Cool Ass Boots Up

You had your chance, the cool ass boots are mine.

The post Whose Cool Ass Boots Are These? first appeared on World Report Today.

“I drink mostly water and bourbon. And I eat a Georgia peach for breakfast every day. All of that has done me well,” Carter said, between long swigs from a large, brown bottle, “But the secret to my unnaturally long lifespan? I watch the same episode of the X Files every single night before I go to sleep. It’s the pilot episode. I just think that sets the show up for so much interesting mystery and intrigue that it’s impossible not to want to know what happens next. And that curiosity keeps me going.”

Friends and family of Jimmy Carter say that they have seen him leaning uncomfortably close to the television set and vocalizing his speculations for the next nine seasons of the prime time drama. Will Scully and Mulder get married? Are the aliens real? Who is that guy with the cigarette? Is this an episode of Twin Peaks?
“That’s my Jimmy,” spoke Rosalynn Carter, “He’s my inquisitive James. Everyone here in Plains calls him, ‘Ooooo! Jimmy!”

The post Jimmy Carter Shares the Secret to his Longevity: “I Watch the Same Episode of the X Files Every Single Night Before I Go To Sleep” first appeared on World Report Today.

Another one of your neighbors who has a slightly nicer car than you do, has decided to start parking in your undeclared parking spot despite the known knowledge among neighbors that you are the one most likely park in that space.

To top off such an atrocity, there was also no logic present on the scene. Your preferred parking space is closer to your apartment than this particular neighbor’s apartment. Why the hell would he park farther from his apartment? Is he trying to burn 10 extra calories per day? Is he going home to your apartment?

At press time, your neighbor has not driven his car in at least two days, and there is no indication he plans to move his car any time soon.

The post Neighbor Takes Your Unofficial Parking Space Again, What a Dick first appeared on World Report Today.

Shoes that are good for walking around in. 

Taylor Swift is a good singer and songwriter. 

This dog likes to catch the ball.

Pledge your soul to Baphomet, God of Ancient Darkness.

These are some bananas but kind of up close.

Baphomet, again.

The post So Relatable: 6 Things first appeared on World Report Today.

“It’s a supply and demand thing,” James spoke to WRT reporters, “The supply is money. The demand is money. If I control the supply of money, I don’t have to demand money anymore.” James wadded up three thousand Monopoly dollars. “Here, baby. Keep up the hard work. I’ll put you up in a hotel on North Carolina.”

At this moment, James’ children, Jessica and Donovan, have yet to comment.

The post The Game Has Changed: This Father Discovered a Way to Cheat at Monopoly first appeared on World Report Today.