“We ran lab tests on the organic bananas and the traditional, non-organic bananas. The results were something we should have expected.” team leader David Koffman said to reporters in front of a lab full of thousands of dollars worth of bananas. “Organic bananas and regular bananas are for sure, undoubtedly, bananas.”

“Essentially if you’re buying organic bananas, you’re paying a dollar extra for bananas, and I’m a f****** idiot for wasting lab time on this.”

The post Study: Researchers Find “Strong Evidence” Non-Organic Bananas At Store Are Bananas first appeared on World Report Today.

The post Poll: What is the Most Comfortable Way to Pee? first appeared on World Report Today.

“This is so embarrassing,” Musk commented, “All I wanted to do was help people, and now the whole planet, and maybe even aliens, are going to see my little dingaling. I really wish I’d never become an altruistic intrepid scientist right about now.”

The post Totally Embarrassing: Elon Musk Accidentally Launches Nude Photo Into Space first appeared on World Report Today.

“We… we really just don’t know how we’re going to break this one to Neptune” said Jim Green, NASA’s director of planetary science. “We were so excited to discover this explanation for the motion of known bodies in the Kuiper Belt that were being affected by the movement of this massive object. We just weren’t prepared for the massive emotional trauma this potentially risks for Neptune.”

NASA’s planetary science lab was in a silence throughout Wednesday afternoon as they tried to determine how Neptune would react. “Neptune hasn’t seen his father in hundreds of millions of years, he might not care.” one scientist suggested. “Neptune’s dad leaving absolutely had effects in Neptune’s formation, there’s no way there aren’t lasting scars.” another rebutted.

At press time, nobody could agree on who would break the news to Neptune.

The post NASA Discovers Planet 9, Actually Just Neptune’s Dead Beat Dad first appeared on World Report Today.