Atlanta International, GA (WRT) – After a heightened terror alert due to the Brussels attacks this week, TSA officials have made it necessary for airports to step up security measures.

If you’re flying after Wednesday, you will be required at most international airports to take off your shoes, and your entire foot from the ankle down in order to make sure prohibited materials are not being hidden inside the heel of the actual foot itself.

“Shoe bombers were a big deal just a decade ago, now a days a terrorist could easily replace the bones in their own foot with flammable gels.” Mark Bury, an airport official explained. “We’re still trying to make sure that security itself isn’t too invasive, so no you won’t need to bring your own bone saw, and we have surgeons waiting right after we wheel you through the metal detector.”

We inquired with one flyer who had experienced the updated security method, and he wasn’t all that put off by the Saw-like safety measure either. “It’s not that big of a deal really, it’s for our own protection. Like how we give up a little privacy to the NSA to keep us safe. The surgeon says the nerves will grow back restoring feeling to my feet in eight to ten years… that’s much better than being killed by [SIC] an ISIS.”

The post TSA Implements Strict No Feet Policy first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters shut down a Donald Trump rally last week, it has been pointed out by political pundits and even Trump himself that these protesters denied Donald Trump the right to free speech, something they also were practicing by protesting.

“I really cannot believe that these protesters would stop the thing they were protesting, it’s just hypocritical” said Trump’s rapid response director. “If I was protesting someone for their hate speech and successfully got them to stop doing it? That’s completely counter intuitive for myself and this election.”

“It’d be better if protesters would just go home for now on to make sure that they’re not taking away the first amendment right to the very thing they’re protesting because of that thing abusing it’s first amendment right. It’s unfair, and makes those protesters as bad as anybody can be.”

The post Outrageous: Protesters Infringe Free Speech of Thing They’re Protesting Due To Speech first appeared on World Report Today.

“I would say that I support cleaning up the lake. If they draft legislation that resulted in a city ordinance on cleaning up the environment, I’d support it.” a University of Wisconsin student said while song writing in a park. “It’s about time they put the environment first.”

“I mean, the lake is pretty bad, and that’s what happens when people pollute” another local told WRT on his way to work. “People aren’t paying attention, you know? I suppose they forget about important things they just sorta take for granted. But I hope they realize the necessity at some point.”

At press time, we could not get in contact with “they” to follow up on whether or not they had plans to clean up the lake.

The post Lake Still Polluted Despite Increased Public Awareness of Pollution first appeared on World Report Today.

“We… we really just don’t know how we’re going to break this one to Neptune” said Jim Green, NASA’s director of planetary science. “We were so excited to discover this explanation for the motion of known bodies in the Kuiper Belt that were being affected by the movement of this massive object. We just weren’t prepared for the massive emotional trauma this potentially risks for Neptune.”

NASA’s planetary science lab was in a silence throughout Wednesday afternoon as they tried to determine how Neptune would react. “Neptune hasn’t seen his father in hundreds of millions of years, he might not care.” one scientist suggested. “Neptune’s dad leaving absolutely had effects in Neptune’s formation, there’s no way there aren’t lasting scars.” another rebutted.

At press time, nobody could agree on who would break the news to Neptune.

The post NASA Discovers Planet 9, Actually Just Neptune’s Dead Beat Dad first appeared on World Report Today.