“I remember this” you think to yourself. “I wonder where this has been for two years”

This thought is not followed up on.

The post Page You Forgot You Followed Suddenly Posts New Content After Two Years first appeared on World Report Today.

“A 15 dollar an hour minimum wage is the only logical idea for this year” Clinton stated.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders smiling profusely to a roaring applause.

“The current federal minimum wage is a starvation wage. It’s got to be raised to a living wage” Clinton continued.

“I know” replied Bernie Sanders, accompanied once more by a roaring applause.

The post Bernie Sanders In Agreeable Debate With Hillary Clinton from the Year 2020 first appeared on World Report Today.

“The Daily Kos reported that Elizabeth Warren had finally endorsed Bernie Sanders, and then it said April Fools at the bottom. I am never reading ever again” one man reported.

“What if I actually wanted a gaming toaster?” Another said in response to Razer’s Project Breadwinner.

“If Google doesn’t add back that Minion Mic Drop feature I am going to scream until my throat starts bleeding.”

The post “April Fools!” Reads Website Article With Shitty Clickbait Title first appeared on World Report Today.

“They say we need to switch to green technology, but come on, this is just too much. Nobody is expected to deal with something like this” Joseph Newsom, a district alderman complained. “Normal street lights are just fine, everybody knows exactly where they are, and tax payer dollars shouldn’t be going to fund some science-post people are bound to run into.”

“Look at the facts, statistically somebody is going to walk into these, green energy is not the answer. We need to keep using traditional street lamps.”

The post This Solar Powered Street Light Can Also Be In Your Way first appeared on World Report Today.

“This is what I mean about protester violence” Trump said after having his head blown off by a railgun for the 37th time in a row. “I’m in a insurmountable amount of pain and I really cannot fully describe to you the extent of how much this hurts- and do you know why this hurts? It’s because people don’t think, they just do whatever they want, they’re stupid, they cause infinite time paradoxes, they really should just get another job.”

“I can tell you for sure that guy would never work for me, never.”

After 12 hours of the infinite time loop, Trump followed up with plans to make sure immigration from the future would be stopped forever. His campaign has released a proposal for a 85 quadrillion dollar 4D border fence that would stretch from the center of the third dimension to New Mexico.

UPDATE 5:13 PM 3/30/16 – The event has been deemed an isolated event of “Temporal Trumpicide” after a tribunal of international physicists met to analyze the occurrence. There are plans to take data on site as soon as next week to better explain the Trumpadox.

The post Donald Trump Stuck in Endless Cycle of Being Assassinated and Resuscitated By Time Traveler first appeared on World Report Today.

The party started just over six hours ago after several neighborhood youths released the tapirs from the South Bend Zoo, and the wavy good-time chill-vibes have been bringing in artists of all kinds.

The festival features cutting edge bands like 4 Tapirs Looking for Ants in a Parking Lot at the Old National Bank, who started their set over 5 hours ago and continue playing even now. Many of the festivals attendees have been confused and unprepared for the sudden explosion of culture and music. Some of the more entrepreneurial attendees have been using the festival as a way to sell unique 35 Hungry Tapirs Rummaging Around the Greater South Bend Metropolitan Area merchandise.

“I’ve got everything,” said Woke Lenny, “I’ve got anthill hats, tapir milk, tapir bones, anthill bones, I’ve got the original wire cutters used to break into the zoo, autographed by the founders of this great festival.” Woke Lenny made over nine dollars today and plans on making even more in days to come.

But not everyone is pleased with the way this festival is turning out.

“This music festival has to stop,” said Officer Tad Crowley. “I’ve just been arresting tapir after tapir. I’m not even sure what for. Is there a book on tapir law that somebody can lend to the South Bend police department?” Officer Crowley proceeded to handcuff a tapir to a streetlight.

The post UNBELIEVABLE – Is This the Most Important Music Festival on Earth? first appeared on World Report Today.

When asked about the contract, Lynch responded “The green ones are my favorite.” to a room of bewildered reporters- awing at the site of a Marshawn Lynch cardboard cutout with a walkie talkie taped over his cardboard mouth.

“I just wanted to reach new heights and this is like achieving every height at the same time” Lynch further explained to reporters attempting to figure out where Lynch might be in the building, considering the football star was using a walkie talkie.

“If I see a single M&M I’m not going to talk again ever.”

The post Marshawn Lynch Signs Two Million Skittle Contract first appeared on World Report Today.

Brandon Johnson, an eight year old traveling with his family to the Big Apple, revolutionized what it meant for a plane to be putrid Monday afternoon when he vomited all over himself.

The smell of the vomit proceeded to make its way into the ventilation, and within minutes the entire airplane smelled like the inside of Johnson’s stomach.

“It was incredible” Brandon’s dad said on scene. “I had no idea he even had it in him- he skipped breakfast. He makes us just so proud.”

The post One Quick Trick To Make Whole Airplane Smell Like Puke first appeared on World Report Today.

Atlanta International, GA (WRT) – After a heightened terror alert due to the Brussels attacks this week, TSA officials have made it necessary for airports to step up security measures.

If you’re flying after Wednesday, you will be required at most international airports to take off your shoes, and your entire foot from the ankle down in order to make sure prohibited materials are not being hidden inside the heel of the actual foot itself.

“Shoe bombers were a big deal just a decade ago, now a days a terrorist could easily replace the bones in their own foot with flammable gels.” Mark Bury, an airport official explained. “We’re still trying to make sure that security itself isn’t too invasive, so no you won’t need to bring your own bone saw, and we have surgeons waiting right after we wheel you through the metal detector.”

We inquired with one flyer who had experienced the updated security method, and he wasn’t all that put off by the Saw-like safety measure either. “It’s not that big of a deal really, it’s for our own protection. Like how we give up a little privacy to the NSA to keep us safe. The surgeon says the nerves will grow back restoring feeling to my feet in eight to ten years… that’s much better than being killed by [SIC] an ISIS.”

The post TSA Implements Strict No Feet Policy first appeared on World Report Today.

The candidate was in town for a fundraiser when airport officials had to spend the entire afternoon attempting the calm the 757 down after the unexpected interaction. The 757 was seen flaring its own tail wing and driving backward in a sideways pattern (attempting to look larger) to the safety of a nearby hanger after sighting the President’s plane.

Crews trying to lure the 757 out with jet fuel and other treats resulted in a simple mean stare from the plane itself, sparking a standoff that lasted hours.

The 757 didn’t warm up to airport crews until the plane itself felt lonely enough to seek attention. The airport has recommended that in the future the two planes shouldn’t be put in the same airport with one another.

The post Trump’s 757 Spooked by Larger Air Force One first appeared on World Report Today.