“This is what I mean about protester violence” Trump said after having his head blown off by a railgun for the 37th time in a row. “I’m in a insurmountable amount of pain and I really cannot fully describe to you the extent of how much this hurts- and do you know why this hurts? It’s because people don’t think, they just do whatever they want, they’re stupid, they cause infinite time paradoxes, they really should just get another job.”

“I can tell you for sure that guy would never work for me, never.”

After 12 hours of the infinite time loop, Trump followed up with plans to make sure immigration from the future would be stopped forever. His campaign has released a proposal for a 85 quadrillion dollar 4D border fence that would stretch from the center of the third dimension to New Mexico.

UPDATE 5:13 PM 3/30/16 – The event has been deemed an isolated event of “Temporal Trumpicide” after a tribunal of international physicists met to analyze the occurrence. There are plans to take data on site as soon as next week to better explain the Trumpadox.

The post Donald Trump Stuck in Endless Cycle of Being Assassinated and Resuscitated By Time Traveler first appeared on World Report Today.

Another one of your neighbors who has a slightly nicer car than you do, has decided to start parking in your undeclared parking spot despite the known knowledge among neighbors that you are the one most likely park in that space.

To top off such an atrocity, there was also no logic present on the scene. Your preferred parking space is closer to your apartment than this particular neighbor’s apartment. Why the hell would he park farther from his apartment? Is he trying to burn 10 extra calories per day? Is he going home to your apartment?

At press time, your neighbor has not driven his car in at least two days, and there is no indication he plans to move his car any time soon.

The post Neighbor Takes Your Unofficial Parking Space Again, What a Dick first appeared on World Report Today.

“I would say that I support cleaning up the lake. If they draft legislation that resulted in a city ordinance on cleaning up the environment, I’d support it.” a University of Wisconsin student said while song writing in a park. “It’s about time they put the environment first.”

“I mean, the lake is pretty bad, and that’s what happens when people pollute” another local told WRT on his way to work. “People aren’t paying attention, you know? I suppose they forget about important things they just sorta take for granted. But I hope they realize the necessity at some point.”

At press time, we could not get in contact with “they” to follow up on whether or not they had plans to clean up the lake.

The post Lake Still Polluted Despite Increased Public Awareness of Pollution first appeared on World Report Today.