“This is what I mean about protester violence” Trump said after having his head blown off by a railgun for the 37th time in a row. “I’m in a insurmountable amount of pain and I really cannot fully describe to you the extent of how much this hurts- and do you know why this hurts? It’s because people don’t think, they just do whatever they want, they’re stupid, they cause infinite time paradoxes, they really should just get another job.”

“I can tell you for sure that guy would never work for me, never.”

After 12 hours of the infinite time loop, Trump followed up with plans to make sure immigration from the future would be stopped forever. His campaign has released a proposal for a 85 quadrillion dollar 4D border fence that would stretch from the center of the third dimension to New Mexico.

UPDATE 5:13 PM 3/30/16 – The event has been deemed an isolated event of “Temporal Trumpicide” after a tribunal of international physicists met to analyze the occurrence. There are plans to take data on site as soon as next week to better explain the Trumpadox.

The post Donald Trump Stuck in Endless Cycle of Being Assassinated and Resuscitated By Time Traveler first appeared on World Report Today.

Chicago, IL (WRT) – After thousands of protesters shut down a Donald Trump rally last week, it has been pointed out by political pundits and even Trump himself that these protesters denied Donald Trump the right to free speech, something they also were practicing by protesting.

“I really cannot believe that these protesters would stop the thing they were protesting, it’s just hypocritical” said Trump’s rapid response director. “If I was protesting someone for their hate speech and successfully got them to stop doing it? That’s completely counter intuitive for myself and this election.”

“It’d be better if protesters would just go home for now on to make sure that they’re not taking away the first amendment right to the very thing they’re protesting because of that thing abusing it’s first amendment right. It’s unfair, and makes those protesters as bad as anybody can be.”

The post Outrageous: Protesters Infringe Free Speech of Thing They’re Protesting Due To Speech first appeared on World Report Today.

“I have never, ever, condoned violence at my rallies. My supporters are passionate. I’m just as passionate. They care about their first amendment rights.” Trump explained.

“These protesters are trying to make sure I can’t even speak, and they say they’re for the constitution! I’ll tell you what, now I’d actually cause real violence for my first amendment right, you better believe it if you’re blocking my way up to this podium, there’s going to be hell to pay.” Trump said while blood started dripping out of one of his sleeves.

“I’d fight for my first amendment right, I’d even brawl for my first amendment right. I’d punch them in the face until their forehead started bleeding all over my suit, that I think I’ll sue them for too, because this is just ridiculous, it’s everywhere.”

“How did it even get inside my jacket, unbelievable.”

The post Donald Trump Defends Non-Violent Record Covered In Protester’s Blood first appeared on World Report Today.