“His eyes went completely white,” Bruno Mars explained, “We all thought he was going into shock.”

Just before the album of the year was nominated, Drake rose several inches above his seat.

“Foolish mortals,” he started, “Your awards mean nothing to me. I have touched the endless ocean of stars and shaken hands with the creator of this universe. He is displeased. I am the creation of your collective imaginations, a tulpa of your dying culture. I am a meme. Even after the earth has been absorbed into your puny sun, even after your sun has faded into cosmic dust, I will be here. Welcome to the second coming of the information age; this is the rapture of your own design.”

Drake’s body went limp and he rose to the top of the Staples Center, mumbling the lyrics to “Hotline Bling” in cursive.

“Really I shouldn’t be surprised,” John Legend began, “I saw him do this at a party last March. Whenever he has too much to drink, Drake likes to remind everyone that he is an immortal manifestation of the stagnant apathy and complacent mediocrity of the music industry. Like, oh my God, we get it.”

Drake finished his speech by shooting a laser from his head that destroyed three bass guitars, a spotlight, and Pentatonix.

The post Drake: “Foolish Mortals. I am a Tulpa of Your Dying Culture; I am a Meme.” first appeared on World Report Today.